Pleasure: Mutual Pleasure Matters

Pleasure goes beyond simply having orgasms. It’s about curiosity, connection and caring about your partner’s experience. Pleasure will look different for different people’s or a couples’ experiences and it can change across the lifespan. People in Ethical Non-Monogamous or Polyamorous relationships will also need to consciously explore how their stimulation and experiences with one partner may differ greatly from their sex life with another partner.  Caregivers or parents will often ignore the topic of pleasure when providing sex education for their children at each stage of their developmental growth.  Many adults are uncomfortable and lack their own education to provide thoughtful and loving guidance to their children or young ones about the importance that they are experiencing pleasure by themselves or with a partner, and equally committed to offering to give pleasure to their partners. Most parents were not taught this and because of their own embarrassment or shame are quick to defend this decision by stating that they’re kids are too young for sex and/or masturbation. This same blind spot or denial around discussing sexual pleasure can also occur when adult children are caring for their elder parents who are involved in sexual relationships.  Adult children while fully grown adults, are still their parents’ children and have the ‘ick’ factor to get over in thinking about and frankly discussing sexuality with their parents and in some cases with the retirement or nursing home staff where they live. Pleasure is about balancing all the other sexual health principles with each partner’s authentic sexual curiosity. When a partner ‘fakes an orgasm’ or pretends they are enjoying stimulation a partner is providing they are contributing to their partner’s beliefs that what they are doing is actually what the receiver is enjoying. The sexual encounter is then not mutual nor authentic at all  

Non-Exploitation: Sex Should Never Involve Manipulation or Coercion

Sexual exploitation happens when someone uses their power or dishonesty in a sexual relationship. This power imbalance may arise from differences in partners’ cognitive ability, intoxication level, or other circumstances that limit one person’s capacity to give full consent. Exploitation can also come in the form of verbal or non-verbal manipulation, psychological pressure, and/or guilt-inducing communication by one partner to another. Explicit force doesn’t need to be involved for exploitative sex to occur. For example, when one partner repeatedly threatens to end a relationship unless the other partner agrees to sexual activity, they are psychologically pressuring their partner and undermining joint sexual decision-making. Another example of exploitation occurs when one partner has sex outside the agreement they’ve made with their partner, (whether they have promised sexual exclusivity or are in an ethical non-monogamous relationship). When the betraying partner doesn’t use any STI protection with the secondary or outside partners without telling their primary partner and proceed to continue having unprotected sex with their primary partner, this is exploitative sex.  What the betraying partner has exploited is their primary partner’s trust and lack of knowledge so that they aren’t able to fully consent to having unprotected sex. They have thus put their partner’s sexual health at risk while also breaking their promise of their sexual monogamy agreement. This is also true for partners in an ENM, or Poly agreement, for example when the primary couples agreed they would always have protected penetrative sex in consensual non-monogamous experiences with other partners. 

Prevention: Precautions for Physical Health

This is perhaps what people think of when the topic of sexual health comes up. It’s clearly imperative to discuss safer sex practices like condoms and other forms of birth control to prevent STIs as well as unwanted pregnancy. For example, before becoming sexually active with a new partner, each partner may decide to get tested for STIs and openly show and discuss the results so they can make informed decisions together.  In addition, the sexual health principle of prevention also includes issues like: partners agreeing to not to continue penetration (anal or vaginal) if the receiving partner is having pain.  As Certified Sex Therapists, taking painful penetration off the table for a little while until the condition can be treated medically is one of the first interventions proposed to partners when one partner reports pain during intercourse or anal sex. Psycho-education is provided in sex therapy on the long term physical and emotional damage that follows when people continually grind through a painful sexual experience.  Consequences to pushing oneself or one’s partner through a painful penetration can include trauma symptoms to future initiations of intimacy. Post-trauma symptoms like: freeze, flight, fight, and fawning are common blocks to people having painful sex, The principle of prevention is all about making informed decisions as an individual for one’s sex and one’s partner and/or as a couple when it comes to partnered sex. 

The Six Sexual Health Principles Mindset

Contrary to many people’s beliefs, sexual health isn’t only measured by frequency, fantasy or comparisons to what the rest of the country is doing. It’s built on mutual consent, pleasure, honesty, shared values, respect and protection of oneself and with whoever one has a sexual experience. These six sexual health principles help all types of partners and/or couples build a healthy and meaningful sexual relationship. Instead of asking, “Are we having enough sex?” try asking yourself and your partner(s):

• Do we feel safe communicating about sex?
• Do we adhere to each other’s boundaries?
• Are we honest about our needs?
• Do we both feel respected?
• Are we in full agreement as to how we will protect one another’s health?

Furthermore, these sexual health principles are never static. A healthy sexual relationship requires ongoing conversations with partners because all people’s bodies, desires, health, and circumstances will change over time including from day to day, and hour by hour. 

Oftentimes when people come in for sex therapy, they’ll ask their sex therapist questions like: “How often should I (or we in the case of a couple) be having sex?” or 

“Is it normal for me (or for my partner) to desire to do ‘xyz type’ of sex?” or 

“Does it mean I’m an awful person if I fantasize about an-ex partner when I’m with my current spouse?” 

Doug Braun Harvey and Michael Vigorito, authors of Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction created a template for therapists to use when helping clients assess through self-inquiry whether their sex life is in fact sexually healthy. They called this assessment the Six Principles of Sexual Health. They created this model after years of treating mostly male identified clients who were coming to therapy due to sexual behavior which was described as compulsive, hypersexual or out-of-control.  However, this framework could be adapted for any person who wants to optimize their sexual and relational wellness to better reflect their authentic values and priorities. A healthy sex life isn’t solely based on things like frequency or STI and pregnancy protection. Instead, it’s built on these key principles which support an honest inquiry regarding the physical, emotional, psychological, ethical and relationship behaviors and considerations one makes to live an authentic and integrated life as it relates to sexuality. 

Consent: Each Partners Feel Free to Say No

This is perhaps the most important and most basic principle of sexual health. Consent must be ongoing, not a one-off question that one asks at the initiation of a sexual encounter whether with a new partner or a longstanding partner. Each person must feel emotionally safe and confident enough to pause or stop a behavior whenever they choose, even if they are in the middle of the experience to which they had initially agreed. A couple where one partner agrees to go along with sex in order to avoid a conflict or because their partner will act in a resentful fashion if they say no isn’t healthy sexuality, and it is not considered fully consensual. So while verbally agreeing to a specific sexual encounter is legal consent, if either partner feels pressure to keep going,because they’re afraid, anxious or disassociated the sex is no longer fully emotionally consensual. Depending on the relationship power dynamic, it could also be construed as coercive. This kind of ‘going along’ is reported frequently by female clients who present in sex therapy within their heterosexual experiences because they feel like they should, or ought to do it. However, many men also push through doubts or ambivalence in heterosexual or same gender sex because they are avoiding appearing less ‘like a real man’.  These are ingrained beliefs that are part of the heteronormative, patriarchal system and oftentimes leading men to develop erectile disorder or premature ejaculation. These ‘going along’ sexual encounters is not what is considered enthusiastic ongoing consent and if repeated for months or even years, leads to people losing connection or going underground with their own authentic desire and needs. Sex therapy with a Certified Sex Therapist can re-educate and support clients to lead a more authentic sex life in which either partner feels free to say ‘no, not tonight’ without feeling any guilt, remorse or shame.

Honesty: Being Able to Talk About Sex 

A healthy sex life depends on both partners feeling comfortable communicating openly about their sexual relationship, including their desires, boundaries, concerns, and changing needs. A couple with a healthy sex life would be able to speak about topics such as fantasies, desire, boundaries, frequency and any sexual discomfort. Honest conversation means addressing concerns before they turn into longstanding issues. Avoiding  these conversations often negatively impacts the erotic foundations of a romantic relationship. A healthy couple is able to have a clear conversation that avoids blaming or shaming of or by either partner. For example, one partner might say, “I’ve noticed my desire has been lower lately. I don’t think it’s about you, but I’d like us to figure it out together.” Open conversations like this strengthen intimacy.

Shared Values: Being on the Same Team

Though you don’t necessarily need to have the same beliefs to have successful relationships, it’s important that you have shared values when it comes to erotic and sexual agreements.. Compatibility goes beyond libido and can extend into beliefs on topics such as monogamy, pornagraphy, flirting, kinks and so on. Partners need to be able to discuss what sex means to each of them in the relationship. A couple should be able to delve into differing views on topics and come to a reasonable agreement that leaves both partners feeling safe and excited. For example, if one person in the couple enjoys watching porn and the other doesn’t, a healthy couple should be able to discuss the reasons for one’s interest and use of pornagraphy and why the other feels discomfort around the behavior.  Partners need to come to a joint agreement with one another on all sexual and erotic practices whether they are done in private or with one another.

With the rise of shows like Bridgerton, Heated Rivalry, and Off Campus, conversations about “smutty TV” have moved into the mainstream. But these shows may be doing more than entertaining us. Research has long suggested that media plays an important role in the process through which people develop beliefs and expectations about sex and relationships. In a 2003 empirical research review by social psychologist L. Monique Ward, one concluding argument  was that media serves as powerful sources of information about sexuality, particularly when they repeatedly portray certain ideas about attraction, romance, and intimacy. 

What makes today’s smutty media especially interesting, however, is that the fantasy often extends far beyond the sexual acts themselves. In a recent 2025 analysis study published in the journal Sex Roles, researcher Johanna Kluger found that romantic heroes depicted in contemporary romance novels have changed with modern cultural expectations. Rather than the emotionally distant, dominant heroes that were once prevalent in romance stories, today’s most popular love interests are often emotionally intelligent, communicative, and attentive. Building on this thought, in a 2018 analysis of female-authored erotica Mayeesha argues that modern work portrays stories where, “emotionally responsible masculinities are imagined for men who perform emotional labor equally to their female partner” (Mayeesha, 2018). In other words, smutty media doesn’t just portray sexual scenes solely featuring power exchange, it often showcases an idealized emotionally attuned version of partnerships. 

Are Modern Smutty TV Shows Changing Americans’ Expectations About Sex?

In recent years there have been numerous popular so-called “smutty” shows on television and streaming outlets. While no longer considered ‘trashy’ the term ‘smutty’ has become claimed by fans as something that is no longer stigmatized. What’s particularly interesting about many of today’s most popular “smutty” shows is that the fantasy they offer often extends beyond the physical sexuality itself. Shows like Heated Rivalry, Bridgerton, and Off Campus center not solely on the bodies and physical expression of the main actors, but also their characters’ emotional vulnerability, increased communication, and a growing attachment between partners over the storyline’s arc. 

The genre of the modern ‘romantasy’ has cropped up in discussions on social media platforms. Many clients who reach out for relationship or sex therapy articulate the kind of relationships they are longing for. These are clients who may be  frustrated with dating apps because of the many people who match with them are less emotionally attuned than the main characters in their favorite series.  These so called ‘smutty’, ‘romantasy’ series are offering viewers a depiction of emotionally integrated sexual relationships. They are also perhaps a reflection of Americans’ updated practical expectations around intimacy.  The expanded notions of modern erotic storytelling currently produced may be specifically marketed for the “female gaze” . Many female identified therapy clients report taking “breaks” from dating, expressing hopes to have an in real life ‘meet cute’ illustrating the longing for a return to romantic, interpersonal flirtation. . 

The Context around “Smutty” Sex Scenes Has Changed in Modern Shows 

In a 2018 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers Timmermans and Van den Bulck (2018) found that television was more likely to show explicit sex solely in casual relationships rather than in committed ones. Many of the current popular romance shows are pairing what sex therapists call sexual scripts which combine explicit sex scenes with intense emotional sharing, deep intimacy, and sweeping romantic dates . When clients of any gender come into sex therapy for help in their dating journey, they are questions like: 

• When should I begin having sex with a new partner?
• How do I tell someone I like that I need to be more connected before having sex with someone who says they have sex as a way to to become emotionally attached?
• What do I do if I lose my erection and my date thinks I’m not that into them? 
• Is it a bad thing when I fantasize about the scene I love in Off Campus while having sex with this new person I’m having sex with?
• When should I tell a guy I have vaginal penetrative pain? Should I tell him before we have sex so he doesn’t think it’s his penis size? 
• I’m so tired of a guy expecting sex on the third date, how do tell him I am looking for something intimate and I need more time before I feel connected?
• How do I tell a new partner it takes a while for me to orgasm with a new partner? 

Kluger’s research explains that historically, male leads in erotica books and films were emotionally unavailable, controlling and hyper masculine. What clinical material and these new series are illustrating is the expression and expectation of emotional intelligence, vulnerability, authentic communication and mutual empathy. In addition to these attributes, we’re seeing prolonged stories that involve yearning that lead to explicit sex scenes. In Heated Rivalry, the lead characters Ilya and Shane have years of in-the-closet casual sex over a period of three or four years while Shane encourages Ilya to share more of an emotionally connected relationship. The characters Anthony and Kate spend most of the second season of Bridgerton resisting their sexual attraction for one another while getting to know each other before finally succumbing to their yearning emotions. The fantasy in these stories expands on the slow burn–to include a slow yearn. 

In the series Normal People, the character Connell openly expresses his emotions and seeks therapy when he is struggling. This type of male character and relationship is markedly different from what audiences would have commonly seen twenty years ago. In all of these stories, sex scenes often represent more than physical intimacy; they reveal the emotional dynamics, conflicts, and tremendous personal growth within the relationship. As a result, smutty media is offering audiences more than just sexual fantasies to emulate, it is also presenting ideals about what authentic intimacy and partnership might look like.

Romantasy Smutty Shows’ Potential Impact on Relationships

While characters on series and in books are evolving, are real men’s actions evolving as well? These depictions of emotionally deep and vulnerable relationships could raise expectations among the mostly female audience they are targeting. Though media is just one influence for relationships, it is possible that these standards are unattainable or at least not what men are currently able to provide in relationships. Recently,the recorded message left by ‘voice memo guy’ has lit up social media due to the direct, emotionally deaf and self-involved question regarding his request to have sex on the second date saying his boundary is that he would only come over to her apartment for a home-cooked meal if she consented in advance to ‘hook up, cuddle and be intimate’ with him. Beyond being a clearly self-interested request for sex, what comes across is his belief that consent is a one-time question and answer exchange versus checking in throughout a sexual scenario to see what each person might want to do, or not, he uses the terms “hooking up” alongside “intimacy”.  So while this memo does not have to do with the ‘romantasy’ novels and shows being streamed, he is using the language of intimacy to illustrate perhaps what he thinks she is looking for or maybe just what he experiences as intimacy.   

Final Thoughts

Smutty shows and books may indeed be influencing expectations about partnered sex, but the deeper question is whether they are also changing the way dating people think about relationships and whether partners can live up to these fantasies. Contemporary romance media increasingly presents not only exciting sex and intense chemistry, but also idealized versions of emotional intimacy. Characters are often deeply attentive to their partners, willing to express their feelings, and committed to personal growth in ways that audiences may find both attractive and aspirational.

As Ward’s research suggests, media can play an important role in shaping our beliefs about sexuality and relationships.Modern smut or romantasies may not simply be selling a fantasy of great sex; it may also be selling a fantasy of the perfect partner. Whether these portrayals inspire healthier relationship expectations or create standards that are difficult to meet remains an open question, but they are undoubtedly expanding the conversation beyond sex itself and toward what people want from intimacy, dating, erotic connection, and emotional attachment.

In the 70s, there were a portion of twenty-somethings who were freer with their sexuality and more willing to try out new forms of partnering. Now the media is focusing on the advent of young adults avoiding sex. Research studies report that young adults today are having less sex than previous generations. In a nationally representative 2020 U.S. study published in JAMA Network Open, researchers found that sexual inactivity increased among young adults between 2000 and 2018, with nearly one in three men ages 18 to 24 reporting no sexual activity in the previous year.

At first glance, the research appears to be clear: young people are reporting fewer sexual partners than preceding generations but how exactly are the researchers defining sex?

Many studies define sex narrowly, often focusing on penile-vaginal intercourse among heterosexual participants. But sex therapists and sexuality researchers have long argued that sexuality encompasses far more than intercourse alone. If we broaden the definition to include oral sex, mutual masturbation, sexting, erotic touch, virtual sexual experiences, and other forms of sexual expression, the picture becomes more complicated.

There are many hypotheses as to why people are reporting less sex overall. Dating apps might lead you to believe that people have more opportunity for sexual encounters, but while there is greater access to partners, there is less casual sex happening. People just are not meeting in adventurous or spontaneous ways anymore that would ultimately lead to fun casual hookups. 

One of the main hypotheses researchers have explored is that twenty-somethings are taking longer to grow up than their parents did. In a 2021 article published in Socius: Sociological Research for a Dynamic World, sociologist Jennifer M. Silva argued that the transition to adulthood has become prolonged and individualized, with many twentysomethings spending more time pursuing higher education, establishing financial security, and reaching traditional adult milestones later than previous generations. As a result, long-term committed relationships and marriage are often postponed until the later twenties or beyond.

When heterosexual sex therapy clients in their twenties show up for treatment, they report having had sexual hookups, casual situationships, or short romantic relationships starting in high school or college.  However, what they often also describe is a lack of experiences in which: they felt fully confident in expressing their sexual desires, penetrative sex felt transactional, pressured and at times coercive or assaultive. When taking a sexual history, a sex therapist will also ask about whether someone experienced sex while sober or if most of their encounters occurred under the influence. These narratives expand on the findings of quantitative studies. Thus, “less sex” does not necessarily mean less sexuality, desire, or erotic exploration. 

Less Sex Doesn’t Always Equal Less Sexuality

Sexuality researcher Debby Herbenick and colleagues (2017) have noted that while some traditional sexual behaviors appear to be declining, people may be engaging in a wider range of sexual experiences. This idea is reflected in their study, “Sexual Diversity in the United States: Results from a Nationally Representative Probability Sample of Adult Women and Men,” published in PLOS ONE, which examined a broad range of sexual behaviors beyond intercourse and concluded that U.S. adults engage in more diverse sexual behaviors than previous national surveys had captured.

This distinction matters because desire and behavior are not the same thing. A person may experience attraction, sexual fantasies, or desire while having little or no partnered sex. Sex therapy clients often report engaging in erotic experiences that fall outside conventional definitions of intercourse like interacting with sexually explicit media, online chat rooms, or erotica while self pleasuring. They may also be engaging in hookups that don’t include penetration and therefore don’t define that encounter as ‘real sex’. Some clients may describe encounters with sex workers like masseuses that provide ‘happy endings’ or sex workers that offer oral sex. These distinctions that aren’t necessarily reported in surveys and studies raise an important question: 

Are young people having less sex, or are they just expressing sexuality differently?

The answer may depend on how we define sex in the first place.

Are LGBTQIA+ Folks’ Experiences Different?

Another limitation of many studies is that they have historically focused on heterosexual populations and heteronormative definitions of sex. For example, Ueda and colleagues’ (2020) study in JAMA Network Open measured sexual activity primarily through the frequency of sexual intercourse and number of sexual partners, illustrating how much of the literature has relied on traditional, heterosexual-centered definitions of sexual behavior.

For LGBTQIA+ individuals, sexuality often includes a broader range of behaviors and experiences that may not fit neatly into traditional research categories. As a result, statistics about declining sexual activity may not fully capture the experiences of sexual and gender minority populations. For example, many gay men identify as a “side” rather than a “top” or “bottom,” meaning they do not engage in penetrative sex. Queer women may prefer external stimulation, or what sex therapists call “outercourse,” without viewing their sexual experiences as any less meaningful. According to a 2025 International Journal of Sexual Health study by Lindley et al., some transmasculine and nonbinary individuals avoid genital contact or penetration altogether as a way to reduce gender dysphoria.

These experiences highlight the importance of examining not only how often people are having sex, but also how they define intimacy, pleasure, and connection.

What Does Less Sex Mean for Intimacy?

Intimacy may increasingly be sought through digital connection. Long-distance relationships can now be maintained through phone calls, FaceTime, and texting in ways that might not have been possible years ago. At the same time, sex therapy clients often describe more erotic engagement online, which may contribute to less physical intimacy in person and is worth examining because it may not be as emotionally nourishing.

It would be interesting to explore whether Gen Z and Millennials feel a loss of intimacy or are simply finding it in new ways. While technology provides new outlets for connection, certain aspects of in-person intimacy remain difficult to replace. Physical touch, eye contact, and shared experiences all contribute to feelings of closeness in ways that digital communication cannot fully replicate.

What Should be Researched More Fully?

A more interesting conversation could ultimately revolve around how ARE the general public and our sex therapy clients defining sex and sexuality? If young people are delaying relationships, exploring intimacy online, or engaging in forms of sexuality that fall outside traditional definitions of sex, then simply counting sexual encounters may not tell the whole story. Desire, intimacy, and sexual well-being cannot be fully measured by the number of partners someone has or how often they have penetration.