Swiping with Agency: Beating Dating App Fatigue

Swiping with Agency: Beating Dating App Fatigue 

According to Shakespeare: “Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs.” But when that love is sought via online dating, single daters may have to wade through a lot more than just smoke to smell the loving fume of sighs. According to a Pew Research Center study, 30% of American adults have used dating apps to find a partner. Out of that population, 12% of folks have found a long term partner or married their spouse through apps. While dating apps might alleviate social anxiety that some daters experience when attempting to meet a person IRL, there are unique concerns that contribute to what has been described as “burnout” and fatigue by clients who are relying on online dating apps or sites.

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While many users find it easy to connect with potential matches based on shared interests or physical attraction, concerns about dishonesty, unwanted messages, and harassment are prevalent. Younger women are particularly vulnerable to these negative experiences. The Pew Study found that over 50% of women ages 18-34 feel as though dating apps are not a safe way to meet people, since they are more likely to receive messages with previously matched swipe rights after communicating that they were not interested. This unwanted non-consensual communication can be in the form of receiving explicit messages or being threatened.

Dishonesty & Dangers on Dating Apps

Single folks in therapy or coaching sessions express shock and fear at having their boundaries crossed and at times repeatedly violated by people they meet via dating apps.. Daters bemoan the common lying their matches enact by failing to communicate significant facts like: unlike what they wrote in their profile, they actually aren’t looking for a long term relationship after all, or they have not actually “moved out” of a home shared with a “previous” partner or spouse. According to a Forbes survey, one in five adults admitted to lying on their profiles in some capacity, which can contribute to a deepening pattern of anxious attachment by those daters who are lied to. The survey found that:

  • 20% lie about age
  • 14% about hobbies and interests
  • 13% about employment or relationship status, and
  • 12% about height.

Some therapy clients mourn the loss of their own basic trust in people, and report feeling burnt out after suddenly getting “ghosted” by a regular dating partner of a few months without any warning or explanation.

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Dating App Burnout

Out of the portion of Gen Z responders who are on dating platforms, the Forbes survey found   that 79% of single daters were feeling signs of burnout. In addition, survey respondents reported spending on average over 50 minutes a day on these apps and cited a variety of reasons for engaging for long periods of time.  While some are actively screening candidates in search of a potential person looking for a long term relationship, others are simply seeking a social-emotional outlet and/or an ego-boost by continually swiping on their phone screens.

When coaching clients who are actively dating, I conduct a deeper dive of somatic inquiry and ask them whether they’re aware of what their body is experiencing and what emotions are bubbling up as they scroll for longer periods of time.

  • Are they feeling tightness in their chest, a pit in their stomach or a clenching in their jaw?
  • Has the app-scrolling habit become a mood regulation activity in and of itself in an attempt to tame feelings of loneliness, boredom, depression and/or anxiety?
  • Are they disassociating or going into a fugue state while scrolling?

Some daters spend their precious time, energy and planning skills in swiping, responding, trying to be clever or humorous in their communications only to discover that the person on the other side is not only lying about things like their height, but are in fact not even the person they are representing themselves to be (also known as catfishing). Catfishing can lead single daters to become so burnt out with the entire dating app process that they cancel all their registrations and take a long break.

Along with catfishing, ghosting also heavily impacts people in the online dating world, as it has become such a commonplace practice for dating app daters. Getting ghosted whether it’s after weeks of messaging, going on a few dates, dating for several months and/or engaging in an ongoing sexual relationship causes many clients to lose faith they’ll ever find an honest partner . Additionally, breadcrumbing, or leading someone on with little effort and no intention of a real relationship, also has very negative mental health effects. A 2020 study by the NIH found that those who experienced breadcrumbing, or a combo of breadcrumbing and ghosting, reported higher levels of loneliness, helplessness, and lower life satisfaction. Dating platforms have become easy places to treat real people transactionally, leading to many single folks to feel hopeless.

How to Combat Dating Burnout & Date with Sex Esteem®

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I encourage clients to consider carving out more of their free time in engaging in activities that provide self-care and nourishment like:

  • a physical activity like going to the gym, social dancing or taking an art class
  • Spending time with good friends
  • attending a community or spiritual event
  • volunteering to help others.

I also advise clients to limit swiping and messaging to 30 minutes a day, enough time to engage and move forward with potential dates.

Refrain from scrolling, swiping or texting on a dating app while in bed right before going to sleep, or immediately upon waking so it doesn’t lead to an obsessive activity associated with their bed. I recommend reserving the bed for activities such as sleep and/or sexual-erotic activity, both of which require deep relaxation and trust.  If one is continually scrolling in bed, your mind’s neural pathways begin to associate the bed with anxiety, distrust, and potentially even a feeling of being turned off.  This is obviously not helpful in sustaining or enlivening one’s embodied erotic energy.
Set your boundaries early and often with potential dates by telling them what kinds of messages you DON’T want to receive and what you WON’T be sending.

If you ARE interested in someone, meet them in public fairly soon after matching so you can see if indeed you are a match emotionally and with some chemistry.

Don’t solely rely on dating apps. Organize IRL gatherings with friends and ask each of them to bring someone from their network who you don’t know who might be a potential romantic interest to you.  ‘Meet cutes’ are not just a thing you see in movies, you can actually create fun social outings and expand your dating pool at the same time!