Monogamy and Consensual Non-Monogamy Relationship Structures
In mainstream society, monogamous relationships have been seen as the only option for folks looking to get married, have children, and live a so-called “normal” life. As polyamory and consensual non-monogamous relationships (CNMRs) become more popular, many people and therapists may instinctually turn away from them, seeing these structures as inherently distrusting or as an excuse for partners to be unfaithful without guilt. Recent studies have shown, however, that STI rates tend to be lower in folks within CNMRs, while communication surrounding the nature of the relationship is higher. This blog is not intending to recommend that a CNM relationships is better than monogamous relationships, but rather to challenge the notion that consensual monogamy is the only choice partners have. While American society continues to view monogamous relationships as an inherently superior relationship structure, research has continually shown that the most important thing for all successful relationships to have is clear definition and communication surrounding the type of relationship with which each partner will be satisfied.
Terri Conley, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Michigan, produced a study comparing couples in CNMRs and monogamous relationships, which challenges the notion that monogamy is the best relationship structure. Conley claims that while monogamy is often assumed to be beneficial, there is limited scientific evidence that supports that claim. She also states that individual factors matter more than the structure itself. The success or failure of a relationship, regardless of its structure, depends on factors such as good communication, trust, and compatibility. These factors are more important than the number of partners involved. Another study looked at monogamous relationships and the risk of developing a sexually transmitted infection (STI). It suggests that the choice between monogamy and other relationship structures is a personal one and should not be based solely on societal expectations or assumptions. The couples within the study were all 18-25, the age range with the largest risk of STIs. While 56% of the subjects had explicitly discussed being in an exclusively monogamous relationship with their partner, only 70% of those couples actually stuck to the agreement. However, those couples in the study who had more frequent and detailed conversations around their sex lives, including: STI risk factors, and expectations of commitment, were more likely to honor their monogamy agreement.
Causes of Infidelity & Consensual Non-Monogamy Research Findings
Looking deeper, a 2023 study by Rokach and Chan have shown that infidelity is generally caused when relationships are not optimal and are characterized by low satisfaction, high conflict, and a lack of good communication. Clinical observations include reasons such as ongoing sexless relationships, escalating arguments that include toxic and/or shaming comments, and low levels of emotional intimacy. Other reasons clients have given for breaking their monogamy agreement includes a brush with mortality through a serious medical diagnosis or a loss of a close friend or relative. Once the existential angst emerges in a person’s consciousness it can force them to question what they truly want in life and whether they are missing a sense of fully living with vitality. Another reason occurs when a person has historical trauma that contributes to a compulsive need to cheat that frequently leaves them feeling more self-loathing and disgust which re-affirms the wounds of physical and/or emotional trauma or specifically as an outcome of sexual abuse.
Unsurprisingly, folks in CNMRs have more sexual partners than those within monogamous relationships. However, due to more explicit communication between partners in a CNMR, CNM individuals were more likely to use condoms and get tested for STIs, creating a safer sexual experience for all. That same study found that shockingly, a quarter of so-called monogamous participants reported having sex outside of their primary relationship, often without their partner’s knowledge. Most in monogamous relationships do not use protection with their partners and do not openly discuss outside affairs due to inherent shame, which can lead so-called monogamous folks to be at a higher risk for STIs than they may assume. This study shows that open communication and agreed-upon rules within CNM relationships can lead to safer sexual practices.
How Therapists Can Improve Infidelity Recovery
Once a partner has transgressed their sexual exclusivity or monogamy agreement, researchers Rokach and Chan recommend that “communication regarding the details of an extra dyadic affair should be guided between partners”. In other words, when a partner discovers their partner’s infidelity the emotions of hurt, anger, and confusion are so high that it is hard to process the betrayal without a therapist to guide and support the couple. Oftentimes, escalating arguments post-infidelity or affair discovery can cause further wounding due to statements
said in anger. As infidelity remains one of the major reasons for divorce, it is recommended that partners seek out professional help from a therapist who has expertise in both the emotional and sexuality-related treatment needed to help partners heal.
As a clinician, It is also advised that therapists become more mindful of their own countertransference when working with a couple going through struggles with infidelity. A 2020 dissertation highlights the way that therapists with negative views of infidelity can lead the couple in reducing only environmental risk factors related to the affair, while ignoring larger processes that underlie the couple’s presenting issue. In other words, many general couples therapists might focus on helping the betraying partner to express remorse and re-establish rituals and processes to heal the broken trust with the hurt partner, the underlying issue that contributed to the lack of intimacy or the sexless relationship may never get processed. It is recommended that therapists educate themselves with more specialized therapeutic approaches to address the complex issues associated with infidelity, including partners’ sexuality-related and erotic challenges and differences. This might include one partner wanting to open up the relationship to a consensual non-monogamy structure if the hurt partner no longer has an interest in engaging sexually or be open to the erotic interests of their partner. These kinds of conversations may be uncomfortable for the therapist because of their lack of education around CNMR and/or because they have their own beliefs around monogamy that challenge them to discuss other options with clients.
Choosing the type of relationship to be in is an incredibly personal decision to be made between those involved. For a lot of folks, monogamy is the relationship structure they desire. However, if therapists make the assumption that their clients want consensual monogamy without asking them if they have ever contemplated or practiced CNMR or Polyamory with past partners or with one another, they are unconsciously limiting the scope of the therapeutic discussion. The thing that every study has concluded, is that what matters most in couples satisfaction is open and honest communication between partners. Clients must discuss what works and what doesn’t within their intimate relationship. If there has been infidelity, it is recommended that one help each partner work through these questions of what constitutes monogamy, whether they feel they explicitly understood what they had agreed upon when using this term by holding an unbiased and open minded lens, and being aware of one’s own countertransference. If opening up a relationship and exploring CNM is of interest to clients once they have worked through the stages of healing from the betrayal and rebuilding trust, an educated and CNM-aware therapist can help guide a couple set clear boundaries and rules while keeping the conversation open and honest. Monogamy is the relationship structure for many, but recent research shows that more people are open to creating alternative consensual non-monogamous agreements while maintaining ethical, honest and sexually healthy relationships.