How to reduce stigma and become educated on the kink community.

BDSM, is an acronym to represent a few different power exchange play practices including: 

• Bondage and Discipline
• Dominance and Submission
• Sadism and Masochism  

BDSM has long been misunderstood both by the general public and mental health professionals. This blog will dispel the top 5 of the more common myths about BDSM and Kink. 

Myth 1: BDSM and Kink Activities are the same

The terms kink and BDSM are frequently used interchangeably meaning that if one is seen as being kinky or into kink, they are assumed to be into the practice of BDSM. 

 However, for some people who identify as kinky, their particular erotic/sexual interest might not have anything to do with power exchange, humiliation, or strong sensation/pain. While if someone identifies as being into BDSM, there clearly is power exchange included in their sexual practices. 

For some kinky folx, their erotic trigger has more to do with fantasies and behaviors like:  

• getting aroused by shoes or another non-human object like leather or latex . 
• urinating without humiliation (sometimes referred to as golden showers or water sports)
• Enjoyment of semi-public sex 
• The desire for a third or more (group sex) 
• Restricted mobility (wearing a mask to increase focus on sensations)
• Rough sex or gentle sex (Tantra) 
• eroticizing intense sensations or strong stimuli practices like spanking, or being spanked
• consensual voyeurism in which one person watches a partner self-pleasuring
• Cuckolding; in which a partner gets turned on hearing about or watching their primary partner have sex with someone else.

So one can think of kink as a larger umbrella category and BDSM is just one of the experiences within it. 

How many people actually participate in BDSM experiences? 

In 2015, Indiana University published a representative survey using a sample of 2,021 American adults . Many said they had tried elements of BDSM including: 

• spanking (30 percent) 
• dominant/submissive role-playing (22 percent) 
• restraint (20 percent)
• flogging (13 percent) 

Kink, BDSM, and fetishes are sexual interests and/or behaviors that are atypical, meaning the people who are into it are a smaller proportion of the general public. Sex therapists tend to explain these terms using similar language to researchers and discuss sexual behaviors as they are listed on a bell curve with their clients. By discussing the range of less common behaviors plotted out on the legs of the bell curve while the largest groups of  behaviors which are positioned across the top of the curve, these behaviors are viewed in more of a scientific, neutral and non-shaming way.  Because there is a negative stigma, taboo and explicit shame expressed in the mainstream culture associated with less common sexual practices, it is incumbent upon sex therapists to offer clients a safe place to share what their authentic desires and practices are.   

The difference between a fetish and a kink is that a person with a fetish requires to have their interest integrated into the erotic experience in order to be turned on and to get aroused while for a kinky person, they don’t absolutely need it included to be turned on.  

It’s important to note that some people with fetishes seek relationship counseling or individual therapy for reasons that have nothing to do with the fetish which gives them the utmost pleasure and enjoyment. 

Myth 2: Submissives or Bottoms have little to no power

Often, views on sexual positions are constructed within a heteronormative and racialized framework. People often assume someone’s position (i.e. top, bottom, power bottom, etc.) based on their gender, race, appearance, etc. It’s significant to understand that the position one takes in a sexual experience is not associated with who is leading or has power in that moment and may or may not include aggression. People can even lead from the bottom colloquially called ‘power bottoms’, which hold elements of both tops and bottoms. Lastly, some folks identifying as LGBTQ+ also identify as kinky or belonging to a BDSM community. 

Contrary to popular belief, the submissive partner in any BDSM scene is actually the person who holds the majority of the power because they have the power to stop any scene through the use of their safe word. The bottom, or sub, submits and gives their initial power to the top, or person in charge after consensually agreeing to what the ‘scene’ will include, and then they also have power throughout by ending the BDSM scene at any moment they want.

Myth 3: People who enjoy BDSM are victims of childhood sexual abuse or sexual violence

A 2008 survey (that didn’t include folks who have non-binary gender identities) found that neither men’s nor women’s engagement in BDSM practices was associated with having been coerced in the past.  A 2016 survey on National Kink Health found that 9.6% of participants had high ACE scores (Adverse Childhood Events). However, in a 2018 study, 15.8% of Americans were found to have high ACE scores, a much highter percentage. Therefore, there is very little evidence that supports the belief held by many in the general public and in the mental health field that kink/BDSM interests are related to or in response to past trauma or sexual violence. 

Myth 4: BDSM is Non-Consensual and Abusive

The main mantras of the BDSM/Kink community are: Safe, Sane, and Consensual, and in fact folx discuss the scene they’re going to play in before, during, and after the scene is over (this is referred to as debriefing). Many practices have been adopted in order to keep BDSM interactions safe and consensual. Some of these practices include: 

• safewords 
• negotiation and discussion of limits
• and aftercare by any means necessary. 

In BDSM consent is an ongoing and evolving process. Similarly, there is sometimes an identification of soft and hard limits, which outlines what someone is and is not willing to do as well as what they might be open to under certain circumstances. In fact, most people report that any violence they experienced occurred outside of the kink community, not within it.

Myth 5: BDSM is about dominating women

A 2008 survey on BDSM found that 2.2% of men and 1.3% of women had been involved in BDSM in the past year. BDSM engagement has also been found to be higher among people who identify as gay, lesbian, and bisexual in this same survey. A 2015 survey found that 38% of the female sample reported that they were generally a sub, which as already stated gives them the most power in any engagement. Dr. Francesca Tripodi, in her 2017 research, reported that women are empowered and encouraged to embrace their desires in this community. Furthermore Tripodi also found that submissives and bottoms felt that “the act of submission increases sexual agency and empowerment through intimacy.” 

Many kink and BDSM players experience high rates of intimacy, trust and sexual and erotic pleasure in their sex lives.  They are wary of sharing their experiences with mental health professionals who are not kink-aware for fear that their sexual practices will be misunderstood, pathologized and potentially reported as a crime.  It is therefore, critically important that more mental health and medical professionals become kink aware or to refer their clients to sex therapists who are.

How one can learn to become a more authentic, present-focused dating partner.

According to a recent Pew Research survey, 3 in 10 U.S. adults use online dating sites or apps or have at some point in their life.  Among people who have used dating apps recently, 44% of them are using the app to meet a long-term partner. Given that online dating has become more of an acceptable or expected method for singles to meet new partners, it is critical for those using this technology who are using it to meet a future committed partner to learn a more nuanced approach once one is matched with a potential new partner. How one shows up as a date can impact participants’ mental health issues including their: self-esteem, attachment concerns, trust in others, sexual health, body self-image, and intimacy needs.  

How Are Single People Using Dating Apps to Meet New Partners?

According to a recent survey by Pew Research about 7% of all Americans met their current partner on a dating site or app. Dating apps are even more popular among young people with 20% of people aged 18-29 having met their current partner online. 

Given that there are fewer offline places to meet a partner if you identify as LGBTQIA +, it seems that queer people are turning to dating apps more often than their heterosexual counterparts. The 2023 Pew Research Study finds that 24% of LGB adults compared to 9% of straight adults met their partner online. But what are the common challenges that all singles and daters have to deal with? 

What is the Emotional Experience of Those Singles Using Dating Apps? 

In the early aughts, sociologist Zygmunt Bauman described the digital dating mode of mating as a type of “liquid love” since it made the traditional bonds between people and institutions (like marriage) to which previous generations felt more bound. Bauman wrote: “Dating is being transformed into a recreational activity, where people are seen as largely disposable as one can always ‘press delete’.” More recently MIT researcher Sherry Turkle added that “these days insecure in our relationship and anxious about intimacy, we look to technology for ways to be in relationships and to protect us from them at the same time.” 

Many singles approach online dating in general through the year and certainly as Valentine’s Day approaches with larger amounts of dread and less hope if they’ve been dating for a while.

Many clients in therapeutic settings complain of dating fatigue, a sense of futility in the swiping and texting that never seems to result in an in-person date. Singles frequently describe the image in their mind’s eye of the perfect partner while expressing disappointment with the process and lack of progress in finding the ‘one’. Dating apps have negatively influenced the process of dating itself because daters can make quick snap judgments around things that don’t jive with the perfect requirement list they have crafted and tweaked over many months and maybe years of dating. 

One pattern that is observed in clinical practice is that when a client is on a date with someone new, and they find their date says something they disagree with, or has a part of their body that is not exactly keeping with their ideal in that moment that person gets ‘cut’ from the dater’s mind as a possible potential partner for missing an item on their requirement list. A clinician might call this perfection-seeking, but Bauman described digital dating as consumerist behavior replacing romance and seduction into a type of entertainment where users can date “secure in the knowledge they can always return to the marketplace for another bout of shopping”.  

There is another possible approach to dating that offers a less transactional networked intimacy where perfection recedes and mindful inquiry is utilized. Proposing a new framework for using dating apps, could in fact offer single folx renewed vitality and deeper authenticity in their experiences and their search for a committed monogamous relationship.

How to Become a More Present-Focused, Compassionate Date. What is Mindful Dating? 

As many people’s relationships are being formed online the latest popular approach, and recommended by a dating coach, is to focus more on how to be a present-focused dater instead of the checklist interviewer seeking the ‘perfect’ partner. According to the popular dating app’s annual survey, 2023 Tinder Year in Swipe, N.A.T.O.(Not Being Attached to an Outcome) is the 2nd most popular approach to dating online. Meditation teachers like Sharon Salzberg have been inviting people to practice mindful meditation for many years. Given that there is so much emotional energy expended by people on dating apps, especially if one is seeking a longtime mate, it can be healthier and more sustainable to approach each date as an experience to learn something new about someone else while being present-focused.  

Instead of saying, “What am I getting out of it” we need to learn to think: How can I be fully embodied in the present moment and really be curious about this other person? I encourage clients to notice nuanced movements, the way they use their hands, how they laugh, and the way their eyes move. Just as a noticing inquiry practice, not as a data collection technique.  Finally, notice how one’s own body is feeling without judgment and with what Salzberg encourages; lovingkindness. This will enable a transition to become a more compassionate dater and will increase one’s energy and sense of fuller embodiment. 

Tips to Mindfully Date

1. Get off the phone after matching and attempt to meet the person after a week of texting.
2. Present yourself authentically while keeping certain intimate details private. 
3. Try to enter the space with the mindset of just learning something about this person. 
4. Ditch your mental checklist and use the gifts of mindful breathing and grounding to stay present and embodied in your own body, not chasing ideas in your mind. 
5. Communicate your interests, and passions along with any boundaries that seem important for early-stage dating.   

As Valentine’s Day approaches, therapists and single people can invite their clients, or themselves to put aside mental checklists and learn the techniques to become mindful and compassionate daters.

Learn How to Cultivate your Own Erotic Wellness From Thanksgiving Through to New Years Day. 

Sometimes, sexuality studies don’t provide us with a full, nuanced picture of what folks are actually experiencing in their erotic lives over the holiday season. Does quantity really increase sexual desire or erotic wellness? As a gift to yourself this holiday season learn how to tell the difference and cultivate your own erotic wellness, pleasure and increased desire.

Most Popular Times Folks Report Sexual Activity

According to some studies the peak season for folks to have sex are the summer months, quickly followed by a lull in the fall. This pattern is seen in condom sales, Google searches for sexual content, online dating activity, conception rates, as well as STI rates. This might seem unsurprising given people take vacations during the summer, they spend time outdoors more, and perhaps they feel less encumbered by work and their kids’ school responsibilities (if they are parents). Even though people seem to have less sex in the winter than in the summer, there is a second peak in sexual activity appearing to be during the holiday season with the largest surge specifically in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day.

In a study by Luis Rocha at Indiana University in collaboration with the Instituto Gulbenkian de Ciência in Portugal, researchers used birth rates, Google searches, and social media posts to dive deeper into the social and cultural trends that occur during the holiday season across nearly 130 different countries. Rocha et al were able to pinpoint an increase in sexual activity during the holiday months in both Christian and Muslim observing countries, regardless of their geography.  Interestingly, other holidays did not elicit the same interest in sex. 

A Study Addressing Women’s Lower Desire During the Holiday Season

However, it is important to note that these studies are narrowly focused solely on birth rates and Google searches and are not gaining insight into the quality of sexual pleasure of these partners into account and unfortunately focus solely on heterosexual couples, leaving the experience of LGBTQ+ couples, cohabitating couples, and non-monogamous pods out of the research outcomes entirely. These studies therefore don’t illustrate  the full picture of how partners experience levels of sexual desire during the holiday season. In an as yet unpublished study, researchers at Stanford University looked at data from 500,000 women and found less sex is reported in the three days leading up to Christmas than average, and that desire dip lingers for days until midnight on December 31, into New Year’s Day, when there is a spike in sexual activity worldwide. This finding furthers the curiosity around erotic desire and holiday seasons. 

What do Clients and Couples in Sex Therapy Actually Discuss as they Approach Thanksgiving, Christmas and the Holiday Season?

Interestingly in clinical practice, sex therapists and couples counselors tend to hear a similar narrative to the third study and different story from the first two studies when speaking to partners regarding their lower sexual desire during this heightened time. Many clients frequently report struggling with stress and anticipatory anxiety leading up to and during the holiday season stemming from:

• Balancing work responsibilities and planning for travel
• Planning, shopping for and preparing holiday meals
• Anticipating arguments and/or tension from unresolved family of origin dynamics 
• Increased fatigue stemming from less sleep due to late-night online shopping for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and/or Diwali gifts
• Additional attention  on caring for children, older family members and/or one’s partner’s enjoyment during the holiday.  
• Less time for self-care like exercise, catching up with friends, or quiet time alone. 

These issues make it difficult for clients to cultivate pleasure and what I call erotic wellness, often leaving them with low sexual desire.  We must also focus on people’s authentic erotic desire and sexual pleasure as well. Prioritizing your sensual self and lust can help you implement techniques to cultivate erotic wellness for yourself individually and if you are in a relationship, to co-create erotic wellness with a partner in addition to your solo practice this holiday season. 

Cultivating Erotic Wellness During The Holiday Season 

What is Erotic Wellness? 

I define erotic wellness as the state in which one feels in touch with one’s erotic fantasies, practices rituals and fun activities that stimulate what I’ve called one’s erotic triggers.This is part of what I term one’s Sex Esteem and can be practiced individually or with a partner. If your primary erotic trigger is touch, activities can include tactile experiences like swimming, taking a jacuzzi, or getting a massage. If your primary erotic trigger is sight, one might take some time to watch an explicit sexual media like feminist pornography, or a scene in your favorite film, or dressing in an outfit that awakens your own sexual empowerment. 

Many times folks consent to having a sexual encounter with a partner but aren’t as erotically turned on as they would be if their erotic triggers had been primed by themselves or a partner before they engage in partnered sex. This shift would allow the intimacy to be imbued with more pleasure and erotic playfulness. By cultivating an individual erotic wellness practice in your own body and mind before approaching a partner (if you’re currently involved with a partner) you have warmed up your erotic triggers and thereby increased your desire. Like other types of self care, this involves intentionally carving out time and space to focus on one’s sensual self and erotic triggers. 

Erotic Wellness Tips 

Here are some antidotes to help keep your erotic wellness alive during the holiday season:

• Reconsider a quickie with yourself. Quickies are sometimes assumed to be a turn off or for the sole purpose of one partner to reach orgasm. However, you can incorporate a sex toy in a shower, or bath, as a way to get your juices flowing, perhaps bringing yourself to orgasm or use it as a teasing experience to leave you wanting more. Quickies can be reclaimed for individual sexual activity and be used between family meals over the holiday visit to a family member’s home. 
• Explore the erotic potential of staying in your childhood room when you return home for the holidays. For some it may be a turn on to explore and enact your teenage sexual fantasies or activities by making out with clothes on above the covers on your bed, having a bit of top off sexual play in the bathroom or looking at the erotica you might have watched as a kid. Being able to relive a time when you were young and sneakily got away with a naughty behavior  can be a huge psychological turn-on for some people. 

Holidays Can Also Be Vacation Time

• Create the vacation mentality. It is a holiday after all, find ways to incorporate the aspects you love about being on vacation. If you’re with your partner , fur-baby and/or kids, ask your family members ahead of time to take care of your kids or pets for a few hours so you can sleep in late, get some exercise in, or take a nap. You could even use this time to have slow sex with your partner and focus on each other’s pleasure. For a fuller vacation experience, book a hotel for a few nights nearby while your kids/pets are with the grandparents, so that you have evenings and mornings to catch up on sleep and erotic wellness. 
• Give yourself a break. You don’t have to be involved in every planned activity with your relatives. Consider the time you request for  your erotic wellness  as a well-deserved gift you’re giving yourself during this bustling holiday  season. 

Given the recent viral arguments taking place on social media recently debating therapeutic terms like: boundaries, coercive control, ultimatums and consent regarding the past couple made up of surfer Sarah Brady and actor Jonah Hill, I thought defining and discussing these terms could be a helpful tool to many current dating, and/or established partners out there.  

What seems to be happening out there on social media platforms like Instagram and Twitter is a war of words about power during relationships and after a break up.  As these two people are public figures and not known to me, I won’t claim to know what went on in their relationship but I think there are many lessons here for humans out there entering into or already in emotionally committed relationships that I’d like to help define and clarify these therapy terminologies. 

Boundaries

According to The American Psychological Association the definition of a boundary is: “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” 

In psychotherapy sessions, therapists help their clients set boundaries when they: 

• are more concerned with pleasing someone else than listening to their own needs 
• need to create space to reflect quietly to consider their own needs first 
• have not had past experiences or childhoods of having their needs validated by others 
• require counseling to develop the skills needed to express their needs to another person.  

Many times these folks have been taught either explicitly or implicitly in their family of origin and/or community that their individual desires or needs are not as important as others around them. This kind of psychological modelling could have come from parents, siblings, grandparents,a religious leader,  a romantic partner and/or the community as a whole. For example, a client who was routinely told she was selfish each time she sought out help with her anxiety over schoolwork as a kid or when a classmate bullied her became an adult who felt like an imposter at work and submitted to every demand her boss demanded of her, even when it was above and beyond what was expected of her colleagues.  

Therefore in a romantic relationship, a boundary is a request by one partner that enhances the relationship. For example, a partner requests that his girlfriend make more of an effort to arrive on time for the dates they’ve agreed to because it shows that she has respect for their agreements and for the time they’ve carved out to be with one another.  

Another example regarding a sexual encounter which I’ve heard frequently in a sex therapy session occurs when a woman requests that her husband refrain from abruptly touching her breasts right after she’s consented to be intimate with him as it is a sexual turn-off rather than a turn-on.  When a person hasn’t had these kinds of requests modelled in a healthy manner growing up, they really lack the confidence, skill and when it comes to sexuality the Sex Esteem to listen to their needs and make these requests smoothly. Alternatively, if they’ve seen a parent make demands, threats or demeaning comments when asking the other parent to change a behavior, the child has witnessed coercion. 

Boundaries Can Prevent Future Heartache

In the recent Netflix show Jewish Matchmaker, one of the more religious single women Fay goes out with a man named Shaya and they seem to really enjoy one another’s company, sense of humor and they both practice Orthodox Judaism and are looking for a spouse, to get married and have children. However, when Fay says that it’s important to her that her husband pray with a group of other men three times a day and devote themselves to studying the Torah, Shaya lets her know that he prays on his own in the morning and that he’s not a studious kind of Jew.  She gives it some thought after the date and in a respectful manner lets him know that this wouldn’t fit with what she’s looking for in a family. They part on good terms and this is part of what each of them understand as religious boundaries that are to be respected.  What they both understand after deep reflection (we even see a scene of Shaya talking to his rabbi about his ambivalence), they agree that they are not eachother’s people. 

Implicit Vs. Explicit Boundaries

Back to the Jonah Hill/ Sarah Brady drama, why are so many people defending Hill and attacking Sarah Brady? Because she has released texts she received from her ex-boyfriend in public without his permission.  While sharing texts between two people (and not related to a crime) is not considered a crime legally, Sarah may have broken a relational boundary. This boundary is that partners assume that what is shared between them is to be kept from public scrutiny via social media.  This is what we would call an implicit agreement. However, as a couples and sex therapist with many years of practice, I can tell you that this is one of the all-time misunderstandings in most relationships.  Don’t rely on implicit agreements. Why? 

Because what one partner may consider private information, another partner feels freer to share either with close friends or with the world. That is why having meaningful conversations about what boundaries you want to keep in your joint relationship around your intimate sharing of information is so important. 

Secondly, expecting certain boundaries to be adhered to by a partner can also be misused by partners who are either trying to control the actions of their partner, or are beginning to groom their partner for future emotional abuse and/or physical abuse.  I believe that the many folks online who are angrily reacting to Jonah Hill’s alleged use of the term “boundaries” are actually viewing this usage as a covert step towards manipulative control and coercion (which I’ll talk about in a future blog).

The fact that Sarah claims to have taken down some of the photos from Instagram that Jonah allegedly found disagreeable or objectionable has been interpreted by many of her online followers as evidence that she was being coerced. But was it?

Differentiation

One concept I teach partners in relationships is “differentiation” which means that you are able to remain confident in understanding how to nourish and expand your own self-esteem while respecting your partner to have different ways of doing so for themselves without damaging the relationship. For example, one partner might really depend on their yoga practice and community for helping them keep their mental health stable and their body equally strong.  If their partner isn’t as physically agile, but has a good sense of differentiation they can lift up and support their partner’s commitment to their work/health balance without viewing it as a negative reflection on them.  Another way to express differentiation?  You do you, I’ll do me.  

What if the texter (allegedly Jonah Hill) revealed by Sarah Brady on her Instagram instead wrote: When I see you in the photos, I feel insecure of losing you to another man. It triggers my own jealousy and anxiety when you post photos of yourself in a bathing suit and I’m not sure how I will handle this going forward. But you shouldn’t change what makes you special and vital.  You do you, I’ll do me. And I don’t think I can show up as a supportive partner for you in the way you deserve.  I’m so sorry, there’s nothing critical I am saying about your actions, this is about work I need to do or the type of partner I would be better suited to.  This is not on you, this is on me to figure out. 

What are the Lessons Learned Here?

DON’T become deeply involved with someone who carries a fantasy that you will change your daily behaviors, dress, career, praying habits, or social groups in order to be your significant other.  

DON’T try to diminish someone’s strengths and vitality because you’re feeling more insecure or anxious by it. If you can’t stand the heat baby, get out of the kitchen! Even if that heat initially really turns you on. 

PLEASE DO create written agreements about how texts between you will be kept confidential and private during the relationship and perchance if it doesn’t work out, after a relationship ends. 

DO make agreements about what information between you is to be kept private and what information can be shared with close friends and/or family. 

It’s wedding season and with it come a slew of decisions that engaged couples have to make before their wedding day.  According to The Knot’s 2022 Real Wedding Study, 28% of weddings take place in the summer months while 43% took place between September and November. As a couples and sex therapist and the Director of a group practice specializing in couples counseling, the months leading up to the summer and fall draw a large number of couples seeking premarital counseling.  Whether they identify as straight, queer or on any other identity on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, folx who are planning weddings seek couples therapy to clarify many issues, including their finances and whether to create a prenuptial agreement.  As unromantic as financial conversations and prenups may sound compared to tear-jerking vows and lavish cakes, the benefits these tough discussions have to a relationship’s foundation can be akin to building a solid scaffolding when building a new home.   

The Avoidance of Financial Discussions Before a Wedding is Common

Engaged partners may be aware that 50% of marriages in America end in divorce, however they might not know that financial issues have been linked as a main reason for 37% of these divorces according to Forbes. Premarital counseling is a wonderful way to help partners have challenging conversations about their intimacy but also about how they expect to approach finances while married and in case of a divorce, how to divide up assets afterwards through the creation of a prenuptial agreement. As exciting and stressful as weddings are to plan, it is critical for partners to also consider their marriage as a legal partnership, and that like any business decision, worthy of the detailed financial planning a prenup conversation provides.  This is true whether or not the couple decide they create a prenup.   

Who Creates Prenups? 

Prenups, or prenuptial agreements, are written contracts created by partners before they are married. Contrary to popular belief, it is not only the wealthy who draw up prenups. According to a recent Harris Poll, 15% of Americans reported they signed a prenup.  Increasingly, couples with more modest means are turning to prenups to discuss how their assets would be divided in case their marriage isn’t sustainable. While it may be challenging to partners in the throes of love, lust and pre-wedding excitement to address what seems like a depressing thought that their marriage might end up in divorce, as a counselor I find it useful to facilitate discussions around what money means for each partner and how their career goals, spending and saving habits are cornerstones to the way they’re approaching the commitment of marriage.  For many partners, even those that are cohabitating, these deeper conversations frequently are avoided but can become silent fodders of resentment especially if partners have grown up in starkly different economic and cultural family backgrounds.       

Downsides to Bringing Up the Possibility of a Prenup

What can commonly occur is that when one partner introduces the idea that they should create a prenup, that initiation is perceived by the other partner as what attorney Heather Mahar termed a “negative signaling” that the initiator somehow has less trust in their partner, is less committed to the marriage, is expressing a level of power or selfishness or has been pressured by others in their family to create a prenup. When the 2nd partner becomes emotionally triggered and arguments ensue by the prenup conversation, the couple might seek counseling as the conflict raises the emotional stakes in the relationship and if the fights escalate, it can cause one partner or both partners to call off the wedding. For example, a partner who comes from a financially resourced family who doesn’t have student loans because their family paid for college, has saved a lot while working for several years in a lucrative career will have a different outlook on saving than a partner who is the first of their family to graduate college, may have had to work while putting themselves through college, has tens of  thousands of dollars in loans, and while working long hours, may earn just enough to cover their monthly nut and the minimum monthly amount of their school loan. Premarital counseling around how they might approach a prenup will address the meanings they each associate with their privilege, their parents’ financial habits and decisions, their sense of entitlement, as well as possible intersectional microaggressions that come up in arguments which come from lack of education and understanding. 

Increasingly, the needs individuals expect of their marriages and spouses to serve have become more complex, more abstract, and more focused on self-actualization than in previous marital eras, according to an article written by then law student Rachel Collier in the Houston Law Review in 2019. And as the nature of marriage in the United States has undergone fundamental changes in the last century, so, too, have metrics for determining happiness. After all, the future has a foothold in the now, and a couples’ commitment to a relationship is today deemed only partially based on their current satisfaction with that relationship.                                           

Can One Predict a Couples’ Future Happiness?

A study by Baker et al demonstrates that current satisfaction is not the key predictor of commitment many assume it to be. Instead, the level of commitment between a couple is determined more strongly by perceived levels of future satisfaction. “Future satisfaction” does not just refer to a carnal metric of pleasure, but includes financial stability and emotional stability as well, both of which can be accounted for with realistic discussions and collaborative decisions. So, this research suggests that if you think you and your partner could have a good future, that strongly predicts what your mentality will be throughout the relationship. Thus having these challenging talks early on around how to align on sharing expenses, how to come to compromises now on goals around buying or renting a home, how each partner hopes to financially and emotionally support children (if kids are in their future plans) and how these resources would be divided to sustain these goals are all part of financial premarital counseling.  It also may help in deciding whether or not a couple even wants to draw up a prenup. 

What Values and Goals do You Create When You Get Married? 

The utility in initiating and pursuing a discussion around a prenup is not solely to shield one party’s property or as a weapon wielded only in the face of divorce as many people initially assume. These unique agreements can, and ought to be, collaborative efforts designed to state the couple’s mission statement for their union.  Thus when planning a wedding, don’t get solely caught up in the small decisions of what color the tablecloths should be and ignore your goals towards what your marriage will need as far as achieving both your economic and financial goals.  Because marriage is an evolving practice based on shared values, commitment and emotional and economic goals for the future. Prenups are an option in providing the path for achieving this shared future while acknowledging what will occur if the marriage dissolves. By opening up communication before the wedding on the topic of money which most couples find difficult to discuss, the prenup process can at times provide  a road map to a more satisfying financial future and celebratory wedding nuptials.

If a woman has never experienced an orgasm, does this mean she would be diagnosed with Anorgasmia or, as it is now called in the DSM 5, Female Orgasmic Disorder (FOD)? In the recent film  Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, 55 year old British widow Nancy Stokes, played by Emma Thompson, has never had an orgasm. At the start of the film, Nancy (a retired religious school teacher) has only ever had penetrative sex with one man (her recently deceased husband) in one position. She describes her body as a carcass she’s been dragging around with her for decades.

The inability to orgasm is a common presenting issue brought to a sex therapy practice. It is estimated that up to 41 percent of women worldwide do not experience orgasm and 50 percent of those who do, are dissatisfied with how often they orgasm. A number of factors that contribute to a women’s inability to orgasm including internalized shame about sex, religious conflict, body image issues, previous sexual trauma, fatigue, stress, depression, and shyness about asking for adequate touch. After conducting a sexual history, a therapist would diagnose FOD if the client has not been able to orgasm after a normal sexual excitement phase in all (or almost all) sexual encounters.

A sexual history of Nancy would have revealed that she has never attempted to self-pleasure and that her husband never offered to stimulate her manually, orally, or with a sex toy. Given this history, a sex therapist would not have diagnosed Nancy with FOD, but rather honed in on the behavioral issues contributing to her unexplored orgasmic potential. A sex therapist might begin by debunking the societal myth that women should be able to orgasm solely through vaginal penetration with a partner. In a study exploring middle aged women and touch researchers discovered that women who rarely or never engaged in sexual touching, were almost 3 times less likely to climax than those who always engage in sexual touching.

In the film, Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, Nancy does not employ the help of a sex therapist, but rather a young sex worker who goes by the name Leo Grande. After the death of her husband, Nancy’s embarrassment about her limited sexual knowledge and experience is outweighed by her desperation to find out what she has missed out on–including the elusive orgasm. 

Nancy and Leo’s banter throughout the film ranges from witty and playful to thoughtful and moving–exploring the themes of aging and sex, women’s critical self-image, and feelings of guilt related to pleasure. Nancy, like many women, begins the film believing that the desire for sexual pleasure is irrational, gluttonous, and shameful. She is unable to prioritize her erotic feelings and sexual desires after years of catering to a husband’s needs and shunning her own.

In their first meeting, Nancy reads Leo a list of sexual activities she wants to experience. When Leo begins to initiate touch and tries to remove Nancy’s clothing, she withdraws and repeats negative descriptions of her older body, assuming that it disgusts him. Like Nancy, so many women experience body shame or dysphoria. Body image issues have been shown to cause low sexual desire, difficulty with lubrication and orgasm, and painful or unpleasurable sex. While women of all ages carry body shame due societal beauty standards and what the media centers as “beautiful”, post menopausal women carry unique issues resulting from the natural weight gain that ensures after one stops having a period.

Part of the work of sex therapy is encouraging clients to become embodied, and to view their physical bodies with compassion and curiosity so they are open to experimenting with erotic and sensual touch. An important element of this is an invitation to put aside a goal of having an orgasm–which Leo communicates to Nancy. For a woman like Nancy, learning to be present and in the moment is the most important first step. 

The theme of being cut off from one’s body is also explored as it is related to the societal role of women, and mothers in particular, who spend more time in their heads making lists, planning ahead, and chastising themselves than they don’t meet all their goals including being sexually responsive. When Leo tells Nancy that in order to enjoy their time together she’ll have to let go of the part of her that watches and judges her from the outside–a phenomenon that sex therapists refer to as “spectatoring”–, she tells him that that voice is the only thing that keeps her life on track.

For many women, another intrusive voice is the one that pressures women to constantly put the needs of their families above their own. When Nancy’s daughter calls her numerous times, Nancy tells Leo that she always–no matter what–answers her phone. Many mothers who seek out sex therapy report feeling guilty if they are not fully available for their loved ones, but then resent their loved ones when they are unable to be in the moment.

No matter how long a woman reports she hasn’t been able to climax, there is hope. Between 80 and 92 percent of women who have never had an orgasm are able to orgasm after sex therapy  treatment. Included in this statistic are women like Nancy, who desire sexual fulfillment and are no longer willing to participate in the charade that they are enjoying themselves. Sixty-seven percent of women who have faked an orgasm are no longer willing to do so as they age.

Good Luck to You, Leo Grande is a movie about the mental prerequisites for experiencing sexual fulfillment–feeling entitled to happiness and pleasure, contentment with oneself, and peace with one’s body. In the film, two people learn about themselves and one another through intimacy, being fully present, and honoring and communicating boundaries. The movie ends (spoiler alert!) with Nancy experiencing her first orgasm through self-pleasure. When Nancy stands gazing at her naked body in the mirror at the end of the film, it is clear she has learned to treat herself with compassion rather than judgment, experience mindful embodiment, and how empowering sexual arousal can be–all lessons that are important at any age.

5 signs you have dating burnout

1. You are losing hope

Whether it is because you’ve had your heart broken one too many times or because you’ve been on one too many dates where conversation dwindles before the appetizer arrives–it’s easy to start believing that dating sucks. So many people do! “Dating sucks” is a common adage represented in books, movies, and heard in therapists’ offices. If you are one of the many people who has expressed feeling hopeless in the search for a romantic partner, you may have dating burnout.

2. It’s affecting your mental health

All our relationships impact our well-being and mental health. However, romantic relationships are particularly impactful. Intimate, passionate, and committed relationships bring about heightened emotions, romantic and erotic fantasies, and meaningful hope. As a result, the state of a person’s romantic relationships is closely related to their experiences of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, self-worth, self-esteem and overall mental health.

3. You aren’t prioritizing self-care

Dating can be time consuming! Especially in our culture in which we believe that the more “work” you put in (or in this case the more dates you go on) the better the result. More dates in a week does not necessarily mean you are more likely to find the right person or relationship–particularly if you are not showing up to those dates as your best self. Dating burnout may mean you are sitting across from romantic partners feeling tired, unable to focus, and without the ability to show your date your authentic self. 

4. You are struggling with rejection

Modern day dating, particularly on dating apps, means that people are rejected or are rejecting others a number of times a day as they casually swipe on Hinge or Tinder. The 70 million adults in America that use dating apps have developed a rejection mindset that makes dating feel particularly unpromising and exhausting. Rejection–whether you or your potential partner is saying no to pursuing a relationship, situationship, or another type of  non-monogamous partnership–is an unavoidable part of dating. If you’re already in an unhealthy headspace, getting turned down or ghosted can feel like a reflection of your lack of worth, attractiveness, or ability to make a romantic relationship work. When you’re in a healthy headspace, a rejection is just par for the course in the search for a romantic partner (“thank u next”). 

5. You feel like you’re going through the motions

Going on autopilot on a date prevents you from truly learning about the person sitting across from you, and ultimately deciding if you are interested in them romantically or not. Autopilot prevents you from bringing the playful, curious, and engaging parts of your personality to the table and conversation. It may feel like a way to conserve your energy and get through dates, but the return on investment for that kind of dating is slim to none. 

7 ways to bounce back from dating burnout

1. Take a break

When dating feels like a chore or a drain on your social battery it is important to carve out time for yourself. Whether that means spending time with people you love or engaging in some sort of physical activity–taking a break can re-nourish the soul and increase energy levels allowing you to show up to dates refreshed and optimistic.

2. Be more intentional

Before committing a huge portion of your time to dating, it is important that you consider a few important questions like “What do I want from dating?” and “What are my non-negotiables in a relationship (do I want a family, to live in a certain area, practice a religion jointly, etc.)?” Pay attention to how you are feeling internally–what kind of dating has been fun in the past and, even if the romantic connection isn’t there, how can you make dating an intellectually expansive and pleasurable experience for yourself? 

3. Date people you want to date, not just those who want to date you   

Agency prevents burnout. It is important that you are choosing to continue dating people who you find attractive, intriguing, and sexy. The ego boost from someone expressing their interest in you is short lived and continuing to date someone you’re not that into is ultimately unlikely to lead to a meaningful connection.

4. Be disciplined–track the time you spend on the apps

It is important that you track the amount of time you spend on dating apps. Studies have shown that every additional hour a person spends scrolling on their phone decreases their psychological well-being–increasing anxiety and emotional instability and decreasing self-esteem. While it may seem productive to spend time swiping left or right, doing so is negatively impacting your mental health and ultimately making it more difficult to find a romantic partner.

5. Let go of your timeline to meet “the one”

Many people consciously or unconsciously subscribe to a dating timeline–meet someone by 25, get engaged by 28, get married by 30, etc. But that kind of timeline is arbitrary and, in fact, detrimental to your dating success. Dating because you really want to be dating is different from dating because of the stress of a self-imposed time crunch. Releasing yourself from this pressure to perform in a given timeframe will be reflected in the decreased anxiety you bring to your dating experiences. 

6. Change up your usual dating activities

Instead of going to a bar or coffee shop on a first date, do something different. Suggest a short hike, a bike ride, a visit to a sculpture park, or volunteer together. Trying something new with someone new can increase your dopamine levels, excite your body and mind, and break the cycle of same old, same old dating. Novelty can be a powerful trigger for erotic fantasy so incorporating adventure into your dating might just be the catalyst you need to feel inspired by the person you’re with and energized internally.

7. Generate insightful conversation

There are a number of ways you might improve conversation on dates with potential partners. I suggest going on dates with the intention of identifying what makes the person sitting across from you unique as opposed to their “stats” or information about where they grew up, went to college, or what they do for work. Other inspiring ways to generate meaningful conversation include these 36 questions by researcher Arthur Aron, or this card game created by Ester Perel. 

June marks the beginning of wedding season. According to the wedding website The Knot, 80 percent of weddings take place between May and October each year. In 2021 there were a total of 1,934,982 weddings in the U.S. After postponing and re-postponing their nuptials because of COVID, 2.5 million people are expected to be married this year–a 15 percent increase from 2021.

COVID-19 has shaken up the so-called traditional wedding “rules” and partners are now celebrating their nuptials in increasingly non-traditional ways. After waiting for two years to get married, couples feel less pressure to participate in religious or conventional wedding traditions that aren’t meaningful to them and are less likely to have a wedding party, walk down the aisle with their parents, throw their bouquets, or have the ceremony conducted by a religious figure. 

The millions of people getting married this wedding season are planning these celebrations–whatever they might look like–in the context of inflation, continuing supply chain issues, rumors of a recession, and the uncertainty that comes with new COVID-19 variants. It is vital that, despite these stressors, couples keep the desire to make a deeper commitment to their relationship at the center of the celebration. Here is a list of essential conversations couples who are getting ready to walk down the aisle should have: 

Create boundaries with each of your families of origin

Leading up to the wedding, couples may feel a lot of pressure from their family of origin to center certain beliefs, rituals, and values in their wedding ceremony. However, a wedding marks the creation of a new family. You and your partner need to decide on what is important to the family you are building–whether that family will involve children or not–and set up boundaries with family members to protect those values. 

Discuss having children

Many of my clients were ambivalent about having children at the time of their wedding. They were enjoying their time as a couple and thought that they would make decisions about children down the road. However, I’ve found it vital to the longevity of a relationship for couples to enter into marriage having discussed their long-term desires to be a parent. Critical questions include, “Do you want to be a parent in your lifetime?”, “How do you imagine us parenting together?”, and “Why would we decide to bring children into the world at this time?”. 

It takes a village

Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support a couple. Modern marriages tend to come with an expectation that a person’s partner will provide them with everything they need. But one person cannot realistically meet all of the emotional, psychological, practical, sexual, and social needs of another person. Building community outside of your marriage–particularly of people who support that marriage–is so important to the long-term success of the relationship.

Tell your partner you appreciate them

When a couple first starts to date they often tell each other what they find special, beautiful, and enthralling about their partner. After some time, couples tend to stop verbalizing what they appreciate about their partner. People have a deep need to be seen, witnessed, and celebrated. Verbalizing what you appreciate about your partner, whether they are the same reasons you fell in love with them or ways they have grown or adapted over time, is vital to the success of a relationship. 

Define what monogamy means to each partner

When getting married, couples often express their commitment to monogamy and fidelity. But what those concepts specifically mean to each person is often only discussed after one person feels the agreement has been broken. One partner may think that a drunken kiss or online video chat with someone outside of the relationship does not break their commitment while the other person feels betrayed. Once one person feels the agreement has been broken, the couple is in crisis mode and discussing how monogamy and fidelity are defined is extremely difficult to do. It is vital they happen at the start of a marriage.

Be your partner’s emissary to your family of origin

Wedding planning is notoriously stressful and can be a source of conflict for partners and their families. If your partner is in conflict with someone in your family, it is important that you step in, represent your partner’s interests, and work to resolve the conflict on their behalf. You have a history of resolving differences and conflicts with your family members that your partner does not. They may need help representing their views and good intentions. Showing support for your partner and representing their wishes is critical to family integration and will benefit your marriage in the long run. 

Discuss religious and spiritual beliefs and practices 

Engaging in deep conversations about your current and historical religious and spiritual beliefs is vital to any new marriage. While your partner may not be following any religious practices or rituals now, they may have an emotional relationship to those traditions that may crop up later on in their lifetime–particularly in the context of raising children. For example, the idea of having a Christmas tree or going to temple for high holidays may not have deep religious meaning for one partner, and strike the other as counter to the spiritual upbringing they want for their children. Understanding how both you and your partner would want to raise children in relation to religion and spirituality is key. 

While these conversations are critical before a couple walks down the aisle, they are also conversations that would benefit any couple at any stage in their relationship. Particularly because people change! How a person feels about having children, monogamy, or spirituality might shift several times over the course of a marriage. Having these conversations ahead of the wedding will lay the groundwork for an open line of communication over a lifetime about your individual needs and desires and your marriage as a whole. 

Research estimates that about 25 percent of committed monogamous relationships face infidelity at some stage of coupledom. After infidelity, many women make misguided assumptions about themselves, the relationship and their partner based on myths that permeate our culture. The first part of this two part series focused on the myth that the relationship is over, and myths that the infidelity happened because the unfaithful partner fell out of love or attraction or because of their narcissism. This second part of this two part series, will bust myths #5 to# 7 of the most common myths believed by betrayed partners.

5. If I had just been less needy…they wouldn’t have cheated

6. I should have known

7. I will be alone forever 

Myth #5 “If I had just been less needy…they wouldn’t have cheated”

Women who have discovered their partner’s betrayal often tearfully exclaim: “I expressed my insecurity, and pushed them away!” It is important to distinguish between expressing one’s needs and being “needy”. All humans have needs, and communicating one’s needs and desires is a cornerstone of any good relationship. Because most people don’t enter relationships with the ability to ask for what they need in a way that resonates with their partner, another cornerstone is how to set expectations and boundaries. If the cheating partner/spouse did feel overwhelmed or distressed by their wife’s or girlfriend’s expression of needs or their anxious attachment style, it is their responsibility to set clear expectations about how they are or aren’t able to support her.

As my colleague Esther Perel stated about recent expectations of marriage in The State of Affairs: “So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.” The weight and responsibility of helping someone you love through negative emotions may be overwhelming. It can create negative relationship cycles and diminish both emotional and physical attraction between partners over time. In post-infidelity couples therapy, I encourage each partner in a couple to do some deep inquiry as to what their needs are, re-learn how to express these needs to their partner, and learn to accept that their partner may not be capable of holding all of their needs. In betrayed women’s coaching groups, clients are encouraged to support one another as they review what they were looking for from their partner, why they may have grown up expecting certain psychological support, how they communicated those needs, and whether their partner is equipped to provide what they need.

Myth #6 “I should have known”

Betrayed partners frequently fall prey to the idea “I should have known.” They beat themselves up for not knowing that their partner was having an emotional or physical affair. In Buddhist tradition, this kind of emotional self-flagellation is called the second arrow of suffering and increases the pain itself. In most cases, the infidelity revelation comes out of the blue. In others, betrayed women had an intuition or gut feeling about the infidelity, but their partner lied and gaslit them with such dexterity that they ignored that intuition or gut feeling.

Years of clinical experience has shown me that after infidelity discovery, in addition to loss of trust in their partner, most hurt partners experience a loss of trust in themselves. They stop trusting their perceptions, gut instincts, and abilities to judge people’s character. Part of the healing process is rebuilding and reclaiming the trust in one’s authentic self and pushing back against the harsh inner critic–the internal voice that insidiously whispers: “I should have known.”

Myth #7 “I will never find another partner”

Almost all my female-identifying clients facing the potential end to their marriage or relationship  after infidelity fear they will never find another partner. This catastrophic thinking can prevent someone from ending their monogamous agreement even when they know it is the best choice for them. According to CDC research, 54 percent of divorced women remarry within five years and 75 percent of divorced women remarry within 10 years. 

If a woman’s relationship does end, individual or group coaching supports her growth as she gains a deeper understanding and healing of the family of origin wounds both you and your partner brought into that relationship. She can learn skills to calm her intrusive thoughts, mourn the loss of the relationship, develop more communication skills to articulate her own desires and needs, expand the village of folks she can depend on for these needs and regain trust in herself to make strong, grounded decisions about future relationships–and ultimately build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. It takes a village to raise a child and it certainly takes a village to help a woman heal from partner betrayal.

Sex therapists’ goal when working with betrayed partners whether in individual therapy, couples therapy, or in a women’s group setting is to create a safe space to mourn the loss of what was, bust cultural myths around infidelity, and explore the deeper meaning of the relationship’s breakdown. Through this work, they can emerge with a deeper knowledge of what kind of life they want for themselves, whether they create a stronger, wiser second iteration of the relationship to the partner who betrayed their monogamous agreement, or decide to forge ahead with a new life as a stronger, supported single woman.