Tag Archives: Christmas

COVID-19 Holiday Season

Now that the presidential election has been called, Americans are gradually coming to terms with the results whether that’s letting out a celebratory exclamation of joy or sadly mourning the loss of their candidate. While many citizens are still worried and anxious due to the president’s refusal to concede, the holiday season is beginning with advertisement campaigns. Family members’ anxiety may be further fueled by the increase in COVID cases and deaths. The uptick may result in texting, chatting, and/or Facetiming one another with last-minute plan changes to the traditional Thanksgiving gathering.

In what has already been the most challenging 2020 year–given the COVID-19 pandemic, job losses, quarantine, and deaths of so many–the prospect of holidays spent apart from extended family and chosen family members can feel like a big mountain that feels too big to climb. As we begin to think about the upcoming holidays of Thanksgiving, Diwali, Christmas, Chanukah or Kwanzaa, it is really important to give space for both the sadness of who and what will be missing, AND consider what can be created anew to provide nourishment for the soul.

Pre-COVID Holiday Stress

While pre-COVID Halloween is usually celebrated with the nuclear family or among adult friend groups, the upcoming holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas are usually gathering times for extended family. Holiday gatherings offer emotional and psychological grounding that is part of the foundation of our identity within our community. Meeting with those we love also reinforces our self-esteem.

The holiday season is difficult enough for many. It is notoriously the season of breakups, folks challenged by Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), facing ostracization due to gender non-conforming status or sexual orientation, and increased alcohol intake. Unsurprisingly, forced joviality often has the opposite effect, making one feel inauthentic and disconnected from oneself and those around us. The numerous additional stressors of 2020 present an even greater threat on Americans’ mental health than previous national crises. According to a recent study by Czeisler et al published by the CDC, “the prevalence of symptoms of anxiety disorder (in 2020) was approximately three times those reported in the second quarter of 2019 (25.5% versus 8.1%), and prevalence of depressive disorder was approximately four times that reported in the second quarter of 2019 (24.3% versus 6.5%)”.

Rituals For Holidays and Lifecycle Events

In her paper “Rituals in the Time of COVID-19,” family therapist Evan Imber-Black writes of the importance of rituals. “Special time demarcates ritual time from regular time, enabling us to look forward to a ritual, whether it is daily, seasonal, or yearly. Special place may be a church or a hotel or restaurant or graveyard—or it may be a backyard, a kitchen table, a living room, all transformed by a ritual to become a special place.”

I have always let my clients know that it is helpful for one’s sense of agency, connection and continuity to consider restrictions as creative opportunities to come up with new rituals. As a former choreographer, dance pieces commissioned on a tiny stages required me to imagine movements I never would have created. Rituals like art provide us with structured time. Art is a way of marking the time as special and out of the ordinary, and imbue meaning that reflects our deepest values. They fortify our identity, and strengthen the connections to the people we love.

When past clients have had to face miscarriages, abortions, separations or coming out, I’ve encouraged them to create a ritual that is meaningful to them. Then, client could perhaps repeat each year to honor the pain, loss, relief and joy of a lifestage milestone that hasn’t been recognized in society or certain religions.

COVID Creativity; Innovative Rituals to Bring People closer During Holidays and Lifecycle Events.

Around the world, families are coming up with creative ways to celebrate the holidays together in various states of distance: physical (due to a global pandemic) and, in some families, political (the drawn-out 2020 U.S. election). People across the world created new rituals for Easter, Ramadan, and for life-cycle events like weddings and funerals.

For instance, Ramadan, a holiday that starts on the evening of 4/23 and culminates on 5/23, sees Muslim fast during the daylight hours. As mosques closed due to COVID-19, those observing the holiday found ways to pray at home. Practicing Muslims focused on individual prayer habits and turning the isolation into inner peace. For Easter, families celebrated from a distance by decorating homes, playing virtual Easter-themed games like bingo, and hosting online family gatherings on Easter Sunday. Weddings and funerals became virtual affairs as well, with slideshows, streaming, and postponements becoming the norm. During the earlier days of COVID-19 I attended two shivas and a funeral via Zoom. They actually felt very intimate. One shiva created breakout rooms where I could speak with the mourner one-on-one. This is a good example of restrictions providing fodder for newer meaningful rituals.

The wedding industry developed a new vocabulary in light of the virus. Many to-be-weds celebrated with “minimonies,” microweddings, or elopements. Graduation ceremonies this May took to the road, with teachers and families driving down neighborhood streets to mark commencement. Former President Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey. addressed graduates in livestreamed speeches. Students recreated proms and yearbooks over social media. Witty pregnancy announcements went viral, with jokes about parents not social distancing and buying the wrong protection.

Thanksgiving Rituals

Thanksgiving as a holiday is not considered religious by most Americans. However, some experience it as a spiritual ritual that binds families and friends to one another. Due to an increased number of COVID cases in many parts of the country right now, some families may choose to celebrate apart from one another according to updated CDC recommendations. However, there is still a need to create an intentional family ritual and celebration.

There are creative ways to create rituals and a sense of togetherness over Thanksgiving to celebrate this spiritual awareness. For instance, for my family’s Passover Zoom, my brother and I planned songs and improv assignments for each family. This way, every family contributed something fun or meaningful to the holiday.

Here are some ideas to create anticipation, connection and meaning to your 2020 COVID-19 Thanksgiving;

Order craft supplies online and have them delivered to each family member’s home ahead of Thanksgiving. You can create themed DIY projects together via Zoom. For example, you can buy the makings of a fall wreath and each family can work on it together while catching up on Zoom displaying their crafting ability.
Safely prepare dishes and deliver them to family and neighbors in a way that does not involve contact with others. For example, leave them on the porch.
A game of charades is always fun, and can be played virtually.
Karaoke is a good way to bring music into your celebrations–belt out your favorite tunes over Zoom.
Schedule a time to share a meal together virtually.
Have people share recipes ahead of the big day. This way, they can cook their turkey, dressing, or other dishes alongside one another via video calls.
Once seated for dinner with your loved ones online, go around the screen and say what one is thankful for. This would be a wonderful new ritual to emphasize family bonds and heal potential family rifts.

Come up with mindfulness techniques to ground oneself and keep anxiety, worries and fears down.

You may also want to create a space for mindfulness during the holidays. This could be a private mindfulness breathing exercise each morning. Alternatively, one could host a mindfulness session with the family at the outset of the virtual gathering. Carving calm from the chaos is, as Dr. Jamie D. Aten writes, a necessity. “When disaster hits, life can feel chaotic, and our energy is used up fighting fires. But when the flames die down, it’s important to make space to do some of the things we once enjoyed doing.”

One in four older adults report anxiety and depression amid the 2020 pandemic. Historically, epidemics are accompanied by higher suicide rates. Researchers predict mental health repercussions of the COVID-19 pandemic for years to come. The holidays are a high-pressure microcosm of the difficult year we had. Adjusting to a new normal is only possible by keeping track of your own mental health.

On the eve before election day, I led a mindful grounding session for colleagues who were feeling anxious. This was a way I could give service and help others remain centered. Sending food to tireless hospital workers working over the holidays who are now swamped with COVID cases is another nice way to give back to your community. Be sure to reach out to neighbors, especially those who may live alone. A simple text or phone call could be enough to brighten their day. If you don’t feel able to deliver food to those homebound or homeless, find ways to donate time or money so those folks can have a holiday meal. These are ways, with the support and willingness of a community, to still come together.

Get the whole family involved in exercise during the holidays.

A recent study showed that the pandemic has had a clear impact on diet and physical activity and therefore cardiovascular health. Exercising during COVID-19 to weave into creative ways for the whole family to move together during a Zoom family gathering. Some examples might be:

A younger family member can bring a dance move learned on TikTok to teach everyone else.
A young adult or avid music fan can create and share a music playlist for the family to dance to over Zoom.
An older member of the group can bring a family story or poem that they feel exemplifies the spirit of the holiday.

Facing a Post-Election Holiday Season with Compassion.

Because this Thanksgiving holiday takes place in the aftermath of a highly unprecedented election, it is important to create boundaries around political discussions before you all gather together (whether it’s virtual or in IRL). Let family members know in advance that you plan to listen but would appreciate not discussing politics at the gathering.

It may be a opportunity this year, that relatives who have different political beliefs’ are at a greater physical distance. Physical distance might give family members a chance to focus on missing one another rather than attempting to win debates. We can use holiday rituals as an opportunity to heal political fissions by focusing on what we all have in common. This could be a great exercise in compassion. Meditation teacher and published author Sharon Salzberg emphasizes that compassion does not connote agreement; in fact, she says that agreement is not even a part of feeling compassion. “We are all linked, and compassion is the natural response of seeing that linkage. It is caring and concern rather than a feeling of separation into us and them…[Compassion] is the result of the recognition [of the interconnectedness of everything].”

Here are two guided gratitude meditations for the family or individual preparing for the holidays this year: Greater Good in Action and YouTube.

Developing mindfulness skills in advance of that Zoom holiday gathering or phone call might be the most powerful gift you can give yourself and your family/friends.

Please keep several mental health resources handy this upcoming holiday season.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255
SAMHSA’s (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline: (800) 662-4357
National Eating Disorders Center Helpline: (800) 931-2237
Crisis Chat: visit link
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

6 Reasons You Fake Liking a Gift Are Mostly Why Women Fake Orgasms

November 29, 2019

Sari Cooper

In the classic scene in the film When Harry Met Sally the character Meg Ryan portrays performs the most audacious, guttural, delicious FAKE orgasm in the middle of New York’s famous Katz’s Deli. (If you have never seen it, you HAVE TO, it’s hilarious). Sally does this to prove her point to Harry (played by Billy Crystal) that at one point or another, women have faked an orgasm with a male partner. Before this public fake orgasm, performance she attempts to explain to Harry that despite his arrogant confidence that all his past partners have orgasmed with him, most men don’t realize when a woman has been satisfied nor do they bother to ask what she needs to climax . (Not every woman wants or needs to orgasm but it sure feels good to be asked).

RESEARCH ON FAKING ORGASMS

In a recent study authored by Debby Herbenick and others from Indiana University exploring why women have faked orgasms, it occurred to me that several of the reasons reported are pretty similar to the reasons people express for not telling a gift giver they’d prefer something else. I’m not saying it’s exactly the same, but there are lessons here, humor me a bit.

With Thanksgiving behind us and Black Friday upon us, gifts will now be bought, wrapped, and eventually presented to those we love.

So I decided to focus this month’s blog on giving and receiving gifts AND giving and receiving arousal for orgasms; female orgasms in particular.

I know, you’re reading this, thinking: What is she talking about? Let me explain.

GIFT RECEIVING ETIQUETTE

When you receive a gift, the polite thing to do is of course thank the giver. You may unwrap the gift in front of the giver(s) and many other friends and family gathered for Christmas, Chanukah or Kwanzaa. And then you’re expected to express pleasure and delight at the sight of the gift, even if you’re not that pleased with the gift. Why?

Here are some common reasons:

you don’t want to be ungrateful (We’ve been rightly taught that “it’s the thought that counts”)
the person that gave you the gift is someone you really like so you don’t want to hurt their feelings
you figure the person will figure out what you actually DO like over time
being the center of attention is so uncomfortable anyway you usually want the whole unwrapping-a-gift-in-public experience to end as quickly as possible
you want to make the giver feel good about themselves in the choice they made while shopping for you.
insecurity prevents you from letting the giver know that while you’re thankful, you’d prefer something else and they didn’t offer you the opportunity to exchange or return it.
having had had little experience in receiving gifts because due to a background of minimal resources and/or poverty where gifts couldn’t be afforded, you don’t know what the protocols are or that you are entitled to ask for what you’d like.

WHY DO WOMEN FAKE ORGASMS?

When a man makes an attempt to pleasure a female-identified partner, the woman may have many of the same reactions when she doesn’t reach an orgasm. In Herbenick’s study, they researched how many women fake their orgasm, the reasons for doing so and women’s histories of not communicating about their sexual needs. They found a whopping 58.8% of women reporting having faked an orgasm with a partner in the past.

Some of the reasons they gave in this study are hauntingly similar:

57.1%, wanted their partner to feel successful
37.7% liked the person and didn’t want them to feel bad
being “young and insecure”
being “young and thought I was ‘suppose’ to,”
they didn’t know what an orgasm was supposed to be like
wanted sex to be over “so he would leave me alone,”

There were 4 more reasons women gave in this study that varied from the gift-receiving reasons described above which involve biological, psychological, coercive and/or traumatic reasons:

6% wanted sex to end because they were tired
a partner “almost demanded them,”
difficulty having orgasm due to being an incest survivor
no longer felt in love with a partner.

There are those in my field that feel women shouldn’t experience their orgasm as being “given” to them. I do agree that women are responsible for their own advocacy and empowerment when seeking sexual pleasure. It’s this same argument that reminds women that remaining passive is not an option in their workplace if they want the wage gap to be eliminated. As a reminder, when compared to every dollar a white non-Hispanic man earns: a white American woman earns 82 cents, a Black woman is paid 61 cents, a Native woman 58 cents, and a Latinx woman earns 53 cents.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMEN’S AND MEN’S ORGASM FREQUENCY

Returning to the subject of women’s pleasure, a recent study of 3,000 single men and women in the US researching the frequency of orgasm during partner sex with a familiar partner, the authors found that 62.9% women reported orgasming while 85.1% of the men reported orgasming.This study proved what is now termed an “orgasm gap” in American women’s sexual pleasure. Based on the above research on women faking orgasms, and the clinical stories heard in our CLS therapy offices, there is an obvious need for sexually active humans to develop more Sex Esteem® in approaching their own pleasure.

SEX ESTEEM® TIPS FOR GIFT GIVING AND RECEIVING

I believe you can both conceive of receiving sexual stimulation and erotic seduction as you would receiving a gift while at the same time, expressing your empowerment. So with this BOTH/AND lens, I created some curated Sex Esteem® mindful techniques to practice in this holiday season as you launch your shopping days this Black Friday and begin to purchase gifts. The tips also include the mindful acts of giving and receiving during Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanza. These skills can be then expanded and practiced with your boo as you approach conversations about expanding your sexual relationship. Here are my tips for the giver:

Ask them if there’s something specific that would make them feel special
think about what your partner might like by imagining what you’ve seen them wear, use or heard them talk about in past discussions.
Ensure that you purchase a gift that offers a gift receipt so it’s easy to return
If you live in a different city be sure that you shop at a national chain that has a location in their town or that makes returns easy if it’s an online purchase.
When you give it to them let them know you really want them to enjoy the gift and to feel free to return or exchange it .
Reassure them they shouldn’t feel worried about hurting your feelings by keeping it if they don’t truly like it.
Let them know their pleasure is the most important aspect of your giving them a gift and you want them to feel excited by the gift.
Tell them giving them a gift is really all about them, not you.
If you know they’re shy about being in the center of a group, find a private space to give them their gift. If they’re one on one, they won’t feel “on the spot” and can more authentically express their feelings.

And here are my Sex Esteem® tips for the receiver:

Thank the giver for giving you the gift and taking the initiative.
Let them know that you recognize they put a lot of thought, effort and/or expense into the gift.
Express how much you care or love them for wanting to give you pleasure this holiday season. Let them know how grateful you feel to have them in your life.
Compliment them on how nice the gift is, but that you may not be able to use/wear it much. Thank them and let them know you’d prefer another color/size/style.
Let them know you know they are focused on your pleasure and ask them kindly if you showed them something you would enjoy more.

Happy Holidays, I wish you a mindful and pleasurable gift receiving and giving season!

How to Visit Family & Have Vacation Sex this Holiday Season

November 21, 2018

Sari Cooper

Couples Therapy Sex Therapy No Comments

Now that we are approaching the holiday season a lot of folks have planned to visit extended family to celebrate Thanksgiving, Mawlid-al-Nabi, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Year’s. As a couples and sex therapist, my associate therapists and I continually hear common themes and concerns among our CLS clients regarding upcoming plans and their sexual lives.

In a recent report by the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 48.3 percent of families with heterosexual couples, both husband and wife were employed. While the remaining American families may have a parent that is child rearing or unemployed, most couples in our Center (including those couples without children, those that identify as LGBTQ, and those that have consensual non-monogamous relationships) report feeling exhausted by long hours, demanding bosses, and a lot less time for self-care than in that past few years. Most workers have limits on the number of vacation days they’re allowed to take in a calendar year so saving these days for going home for the holidays with the fam can take a good bite out of that bank of person time off .

The essential questions my associate therapists and I often hear from couples in our offices at CLS is:

**“How can we have a real vacation during a visit to our families for the holidays?”**

They are asking essentially: are the two terms literally an oxymoron when combined?
Here are a few common questions partners have posed in recent sessions leading up to anticipated Thanksgiving and Christmas visits to family on their valuable vacation days off work and my responses:

Why do we have to do what everyone else in your family does for every minute of the day?

Set up a dinner with each other before your travel date to specifically discuss what kind of rhythm each day could have, what parents or relatives may expect of each of you, and what each partner is hoping to get out of the vacation/visit. Then brainstorm compromises around taking time away from the whole group at less peak events (going for a drive after post-Thanksgiving breakfast, scheduling a couples massage Christmas Day afternoon in lieu of watching a movie with everyone else). Lastly once you come up with a plan, make sure the partner whose family is being visited tells their family what to expect a week or more before the holiday with specific details so that they have time to get used to it.

I don’t want to stay up late drinking since I want to use my vacation to exercise every morning but how can I do that without getting flack?

Many families have a tradition of heavy drinking during these holidays. For relatives who are either less into partying or actually in sober recovery, family holidays can be really challenging. Some people are trying to eat healthier by staying away from high caloric food and having lots of alcohol and high sugar foods around can be a high pressure situation. For those whose ideal vacation is to maintain or catch up on an exercise regimen, the ongoing lounging on the couch and watching football or movies can prove to feel like pressure to join in. Will you get a guilt trip from a parent or continual ribbing by siblings for going to bed earlier than the rest of the family or joining the breakfast crowd an hour later due to your morning run/yoga/cycling session? Once you tell your family you’ll be following a particular rhythm over your break, let them know you’re looking forward to spending time with them and perhaps invite them to a class or run with you so that you have an ally in that domain and start a new tradition.

How do we prepare and protect our partner when it comes to touchy topics?

Many partners feel like they either have full permission to express what they want with their in-laws while some feel like they have to walk around on eggshells for fear of stepping on a sensitive topic and blowing a landmine that explodes. For example, a boyfriend expressed his openness about a friend’s decision not to have children during a family meal at his girlfriend’s parents’ home last Thanksgiving. His girlfriend’s mother blanched and immediately excused herself from the table while his girlfriend shot him an accusatory look.

The mood turned into a frigid stone silence and the boyfriend was wondering what he had done wrong. When they returned to their room, the girlfriend began blaming him for being so emotionally clueless regarding bringing up the topic of children since her mother had always expressed her desire for grandchildren and the idea of not having grandchildren depressed her. He became defensive and argued that he was clueless because she hadn’t given him any clues!

I invite the partner whose relatives are being visited to act as an emissary and to prepare their partner by setting boundaries on subjects that might be hot topics and to be an ally to their partner when discussing issues and/or plans each day. This is the way partners can care for their mates and relationship while also keeping the peace with their family of origin culture.

How do we help our partners or spouses feel like this time is also made special for them?

Plan to take some time as a couple away from the larger family unit to have some fun. This could include a visit to a local site, a hike at a nearby park or a grabbing a pint at a favorite pub. One couple decided to go out dancing at a club they used to frequent as a teenager after their parents headed off to bed one night, another partner booked a couples massage Friday afternoon while the rest of the family went Black Friday shopping assuring their relatives they’d be back to help prepare a family dinner.

How can we have sex when we’re sleeping in a guest room near the family room?

Use this vacation/visit to add creativity to your sexual repertoire:

Create playful rules about noise and use blindfolds and tape to limit sight and sound to enhance sex play.
Plan to give one another sensual massages with oil from a warm wax candle as a fun way to create outercourse or foreplay while the rest of the family go to sleep, then you have options for what comes next.
Stay home while the rest of the family go out for a pickup football game and have a quickie in the shower.

Wishing you a restful, emotionally and sexually satisfying holiday season with your lover and your families. Happy Holidays!