Tag Archives: relationship

7 Myths about Infidelity Believed by Betrayed Partners: Part 1

Most sex therapists, at one time or another, find themselves sitting across from a woman who has just discovered that her husband, boyfriend, wife, or partner has cheated on them. Before those sessions, I work to ground myself so that I can hold space for their shocked, hurt, and rageful reactions. 

Research estimates that up to 25 percent of committed monogamous relationships struggle with infidelity at some stage of coupledom. Whether that infidelity is emotional or sexual, involves texting, online chat rooms, or meetings in person, is an ongoing affair, or one-time hookup, involves paid sex workers, or sexually compulsive behavior–infidelity’s emotional impact is immense. It is akin to the fallout of an earthquake in which the ground under the hurt partner has cracked open to reveal the seismic fault lines of the relationship below.

Many women make misguided assumptions about themselves, the relationship, and their partner based on infidelity myths that permeate our culture. This is the first blog of a two-part series, which will bust myths 1 to 4 of the 7 most common myths believed by betrayed women. Part 2 will cover myths 5 to 7. 

  1. The relationship is over
  2. My partner/spouse cheated because they don’t love me
  3. My partner/spouse isn’t attracted to me anymore
  4. My partner’s narcissism is the reason they cheated

Myth #1The relationship is over”

Many of my clients whose partners have had extra-monogamous affairs or casual hookups fear that if they don’t leave, she is and will be seen by others as a loser who is letting someone “walk all over” her. Feeding this fear is the common cultural belief that infidelity means the end of the relationship–but that is not true. In fact, according to a study by Marin et al., 60 to 80 percent of married couples remain together after an instance of infidelity. 

Whether a woman wants to remain or leave their relationship, it is crucial that the therapeutic space is left judgment free. It’s critical that hurt partners are encouraged to express all their divergent emotions in treatment after infidelity discovery. While friends or family members in their lives may express strong opinions about what they ought to do (frequently based on these cultural tropes), the therapy or coaching should be centered on exercises, techniques and reflections that allows each woman to wade through those divergent emotions–including relationship ambivalence. 

Source: DepositPhoto/Syda_Productions

While I don’t encourage couples to simply return to the way their relationship was before the infidelity, it is common that betrayed partners experience denial and go back into their previous cycles in order to stabilize their roller coaster emotions. This denial halts the therapeutic process. Unless the couple is able to identify what precipitated the betrayal, it will be challenging to rebuild a stronger, more authentic relationship. It sometimes takes up to a year for couples to repair their relationship/marriage after infidelity–but it is work that has long standing benefits.

Myth #2 “My partner cheated because they don’t love me”

There are a number of reasons that people commit infidelity. Some people may cheat because they have fallen out of love with their partner. Others cheat to explore a secret sexual interest, because of a need for intimacy that has been lost due to a variety of circumstances, or due to a desperate compulsive need for positive reinforcement after a childhood filled with bullying or abuse. While these are not excuses for breaking a monogamy agreement or marriage vow, they are explanations based on emotions that can co-exist with the love a person has for their partner.

All of these explanations are rooted in the person who cheats’ inability to communicate their emotions or needs to their partner. Often, the straying partner didn’t grow up around examples of securely attached romantic relationships, or relationships that model how to communicate relational needs. With no tools to communicate with their partner, someone may find themselves doing whatever it takes to have their needs met–even going against their own ethics or values. In many cases it is through therapy that the betrayed partner is able to see that it isn’t a lack of love for them that led to infidelity, but rather their partners’ internalized fear and desperation.

Myth #3 “My partner isn’t attracted to me anymore”

When my clients tell me they fear their partner is no longer attracted to or turned on by them, I try to educate and expand their definition of “attraction”. Our culture tends to define attraction as purely sexual–which is not the case. Someone can be attracted to their partner’s confidence, sense of humor and fun, openness, emotional intelligence, or intellect and wit. Sexual attraction is complex.

According to Janssen and Bancroft’s Dual Control Model of sexuality, the source of sexual excitation (or what we sex therapists refer to as the gas pedal) can be squashed by an increase in inhibitory responses (or the brake pedal). A person’s inhibitory response can increase due to anxiety, stress, panic, awkwardness, physical pain, or psychiatric disorders. And often, someone experiencing one of these inhibitory responses holds tremendous shame for having them. Untreated shame may lead people to have breakdowns, relapses, or result in internal split selves–which many partners consciously or unconsciously hide from their partners. Shame and secrets lead to a disembodied or disassociated sexuality rather than integrated or aligned sex that combines love and lust.

Source: DepositPhoto/AndrewLozovyi

Myth #4 “My partner’s narcissism is the reason they cheated”

Many people attribute infidelity to characteristics associated with narcissism. These include an increased sexual appetite, more permissive attitudes towards casual sex, and overly positive beliefs about their abilities–including their ability to hide their extra-monogamous relationship or  convince both partners to forgive their infidelity. While my clients often report that their partner has some of these traits, it does not mean that they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I have found that some behaviors the betrayed partner interprets as narcissism is actually the result of resentments held by the person who cheats. Often, the betrayer will tell me that they feel their partner is ignoring their emotional or sexual needs. They might feel vindicated in breaking the monogamy agreement because they believe they are entitled to having their needs met and that their partner “let them down”. This kind of attachment breakdown may also be the result of growing up with poor models of communication.

COMING SOON! 7 Myths about Infidelity Believed by Betrayed Partners: Part 2

Trump Redux: 5 Lessons this Presidential Nominee Illustrates about Narcissism in Relationships

There could be a lot of lessons to be gleaned by this very unusual primary season thus far but nothing has baffled politicians, pundits and journalists as the immense popularity of Donald J.Trump. I thought I would use Trump as a good example of a person who exhibits many of the behaviors consistent with a person who a therapist would diagnosis with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I write this blog to assist those people who feel like they might be involved with a person who may have similar tendencies with hopes they can begin to see the pattern of negative dynamics, the low self esteem that their behavior engenders in others and look to ways a person might change their relationship or leave to preserve their sense of self. In my years as a therapist, I have worked with many people who complain that their partner or spouse is berating them for a small behavior, or degrading them for not being attractive enough to have sex with, or throwing a tantrum when their partner finds fault with some of the narcissist’s behavior.

Donald Trump at a rally
Donald Trump at a rally

The symptomatic behavior of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are expressed when a person to is compelled to rely heavily on others’ adulation to maintain their own self esteem at a high level. Underneath all that self-aggrandizement is actually a very fragile ego. One can see Trump’s lack of empathy and bullying manner as efforts to be viewed consistently as a take-no-prisoners winner in the nominee race. He keeps talking to drown out any doubt about his abilities. People with this disorder can be at one time charming in order to get what they want from others and the next antagonistic, displaying feelings of entitlement, selfishness, and attention seeking. His frequent displays of lack of empathy and disdain are illustrated in his immigration policies and rhetoric on minorities and women, and his heightened sense of self-importance. Past tweets including one that reads “…my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure,it’s not your fault” exemplify just this.

Clients of mine who tell me that their partner either yells when they try to address a conflict or retreats into a depressive state express the feeling that they often feel stifled to ask for what they authentically desire in the relationship for fear of their partner’s reaction. The “walking on eggshell” comment is a frequent description of how they feel. Although only about 0.5-1% of the general population is diagnosed with the disorder, about 50-75% of those diagnosed are men. There are also those who do not qualify for all criteria of a Personality Disorder by still display a few narcissistic trait. For example a man may feel his boyfriend is with him merely because he has great looks and is well built but when they begin to have sex the experience feels empty, as if he’s there only to make the narcissistic partner feel special enough to have won such a good looking partner. His boyfriend may begin that he is not fully seen as a 3 dimensional person nor that his needs are really met with authentic concern.Ill man sitting on his bed

Trump says whatever he wants with little remorse or concern for the feelings he may have engendered in others. He constantly works to be the loudest, most powerful, and authoritative figure in every room that he enters. From statements of “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created” to “(John McCain is) not a war hero…He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured” ,Trump has made it clear that he is a bulldozer, will to squash anyone in his path to his final destination: presidential nominee for the Republican party.

You may have already noticed these patterns in your relationship but I use this blog to outline more specifically five patterns of narcissists which we have seen in Trump’s behavior to enable you to figure out if your partner fits into these types of patterns.

1. Narcissists are only connected to those who mirror back greatness in looks, success, and greatness.
As their values are rooted in their thoughts of their own superiority and greatness, narcissists surround themselves with only those who they see as superior as well. This is used as a mirror of their own excellence. Their relationships are based on the reward they see in each person, judged by how well the person matches their description of power, control, dominance, and superiority.
Trump has claimed that “all of the women on The Apprentice flirted with [him]” illustrating that he thinks he is a kind of irresistible hunk that no woman could resist. Trump seeks out women who have superstar looks(according to this society’s beauty ideals) as a reflection of his own looks and to illustrate his power. While this behavior is not that unusual in our patriarchal society, Trump takes it a step further when he boasts of his sexual porwess: “And, he referred to my hands — ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee”, inferring that because his penis is large he is deserving and sexually appealing to Melania his current wife, who is several years younger than Donald, and a much photographed professional model. While there may be a lot more to his wife than we know, she is only brought out as arm candy to adorn his designer suits and upscale photo ops.
at the "NBC All-Star Party" in the Hollywood & Highland Complex, Hollywood, CA 01-14-04
2. They seemingly have thick skins but in fact are either covering up deep wounds from childhood or a feeling that they aren’t as smart or as capable as their parents may have expected them to be. They cover the narcissistic wound by putting down others to elevate their status.
Trump speaks with horrific insults of groups of people who he perceives as lesser in extremely hateful and derogatory ways. When he announced his run for the nomination he described undocumented Mexican immigrants as “… people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists”
He constantly searches to put others down in order to establish his own dominance and to cover up his deeper sense of inadequacy. His motto could be hit him hard, non-stop and fast so they don’t know how to hit back. man in boxing gloves
One wonders what woman in his history would cause him to degrade and demean women in his many years in public life.

The realization that a narcissist may have been demeaned or abandoned by someone they loved or looked to for praise in their past cuts deep and in response, they often add to their bullying pattern externally, a set of extremely challenging goals as revenge for their experience of victimhood. For example was Donald driven to building a larger real estate empire to show his critical mother that he is more powerful than his father, or beat a brother who was favored for his warmer personality? We may never know what that chip on his shoulder is.
If your partner feels like he has to be a the best in every category and his pursuit of money, prestige and attention override his engagement with you, his partner, it may be that he considers you just another possession that he has won along his path to success. Research has shown a possible link between narcissists’ low self esteem and structural differences in their brains, with weaker links of the brain regions involved in self- esteem.with weaker links of the brain regions involved in self- esteem.(Citation). Narcissists have underlying beliefs that they are actually frauds and they are in constant panic of being exposed of perceived failure, leading them to overcompensate in many ways. You may see your partner being extremely self-blaming about their own mistakes and project this anger on you their partner as well as others, who are around them on a daily basis, like children, employees and parents. Man yelling at girlfriend not looking at him black and white

3. They also lash out with narcissistic rage when someone criticizes them so that they never have to be vulnerable or responsible, this can leave their partner emotionally abused.
Given that their superiority is simply a facade to accommodate past questioning and failure, narcissists will attack those who question their dominance or criticize their ego. This is quick, easy way to maintain the illusion of entitlement and selfishness, as those who show any sign of weakening them are quickly devalued and diminished

Trump exemplifies this pattern, seen when he attacked Fox News Anchor Megyn Kelly multiple times. In August 2015, Kelly asked Trump a question regarding his language use toward women, calling them ‘fat pigs’, ‘dogs, slobs and disgusting animals’. Trump responded by claiming that she had “blood coming out of her wherever” (some took this as Trump referring to her menstrual cycle, although he denies this) and then went to Twitter to post public tweets, in form of a rant, about Kelly, her personal life, her professional success, and more. This illustrates the pattern of rage, lack of empathy, and aggression in response to questioning of authority.
In an intimate relationship, this rage and blame can leaving the partner emotionally and/or physically hurt, while the abuser shows little to no remorse, never taking responsibility for their contribution to an argument or fight. Instead, the attack leaves the narcissist feeling even more in control, in the right and remarkably calm.
Young woman arguing with her boyfriend

4. They will cut you off if you don’t continually feed them positive feedback.
Months after his attack on Megyn Kelly, Trump announced that he would not attend the Republican Party debate that Kelly hosted in Iowa . Although he later denied that it was because of Kelly, I argue that this was his way of cutting her off and avoiding the chance of future criticism and lack of positive regard. By doing so, Trump asserted his presumed power and continued his cycle of dominance.
He also broke up his first two marriages and while we don’t know all the details, given his vicious attacks in public during this primary, one could guess that perhaps his wives challenged him and he wasn’t going to accept that kind of behavior from a woman or anyone for that matter. His current wife stated recently that she and Donald don’t try to change each other. Perhaps, this is another way of her saying she doesn’t challenge him too much.
You may experience your partner will cut off communication, positive regard or even financial support if you do not constantly focus, support, and reassure them of their power and greatness in order bolster their superiority facade. They may ignore your phone calls, block you from social media, and remain silent. This makes the person feel in control and proud of their imposed emotional distance while leaving you their partner feeling rejected, at fault and abandoned. It is their last resort in establishing dominance while distancing themselves from potential harm.

Sad couple having an argument sitting on bed

5. As a partner you’ll feel superficially connected during sex. You may feel like you have to perform in bed, and feel anxious if you’re not thoroughly turned on causing you to ‘fake’ your arousal and/or orgasm. You may feel like you have to appear perfect and/or spend a lot of time and/or money on your appearance. If you feel like a reflection of your partner who expects everyone and everything in his life to be of the highest quality, there may come a time when you start questioning your appearance and develop some body image disorders or disordered eating.
Your partner may make comments about the size of your breasts, your weight or your nose or compare you negatively to other women. This pattern of verbal abuse can lead a partner to seek out plastic surgery, go on extreme diets and lower their sense of self to an extremely low level leaving a partner feeling depressed and demoralized.

Do any of these descriptions sound like your partner? Have you remained quiet and cautious of complaining of their treatment of you or asking for your needs to be met? Lastly, If you have this feeling of never being enough to satisfy your partner’s visual and performative expectations, feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells and can’t express yourself honestly, I encourage you to seek help from a licensed experienced AASECT-Certified sex therapist or a coach who can help you gain back your self esteem and your Sex Esteem®.