Tag Archives: LGBTQ+

Will a New Year’s Resolution to Have More Sex Lead to More Happiness?

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Many couples seeking to reinforce their relationships may resolve to have more sex in the new year. However, does more sex really make partners happier? Is this belief held up equally among single, gender-fluid, gay, lesbian, and polyamorous folks?

Whose happiness matters during sex?

The assumption behind the oft-made resolution to have more intimate/erotic times with one’s partner assumes that upping sex will make a relationship stronger and bring about more happiness between two partners. While some studies do show a correlation between partners’ sexual habits and their happiness, the nature of these studies’ participants reveals an intrinsic bias. There is bias about what is a working definition of sex for each partner, who experiences pleasure in couples, and whether by “couple” they mean heterosexual couples. Then, the bias continues: which partner’s opinions on pleasure are more readily available through research studies in general?

A November 2015 study from the Social Psychology and Personality Science titled “Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better” points to the idea that more sex for heterosexual married couples tends to lead to more happiness for both people in the relationship. According to a press release from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, the subjects “are most representative of married heterosexual couples or those in established relationships.” But does this type of claim take into account the different meanings of happiness for all genders?

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In sex therapy, the experience of “happiness” can also have intersectionally different meanings. For a Black woman who may feel less-empowered in her relationship with a Latinx man, happiness may mean that she focuses more on her partner’s pleasure and less on her own, with the thought that this will protect their relationship from a non-consensual hookup or affair. However can she be keyed into her own sexual pleasure within a sexual encounter?  For an Indian-American first generation man, penetrative sex in which both he and his wife, who is white & third generation, climax, may have him report feeling “happy”  since they both have orgasmed, but may have a meaning that has more to do with his feel masterful and turned on because he’s proven himself “worthy” of her. Whereas his wife senses that he’s not fully present to his own experience and this leaves her feeling like the sex they’re having is more performative.  Perhaps she feels like her orgasm is for him and less about what kind of sex she would rather be having.

Sexual Quality over Sexual Quantity

For those in consensually monogamous  heterosexual relationships, more sex might be a good resolution; but some studies bring in the variable of affection to see if it changes the happiness quotient. In a  March 2017 study published by Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers asked sixty couples to take notes on their phones about their sexual and non-sexual activities, and when they individually experienced affection.

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The study found that sex created feelings of affection not just immediately after the sexual act, but hours later. This suggests that sex can be a means to an affectionate end. A clear takeaway from this study is the idea that sex with affection between sexually-exclusive consensually monogamous couples can be the glue that makes that particular type of relationship stronger.

This may seem like an obvious result. However, what clients report in the therapeutic space is that while some partners want more frequent sexual connection, the quality of the sexual experience helps to make them feel either closer to or more distant from their partner.

In fact, in another study researchers explored the hypothesis that more sex would enhance a couples happiness. They asked one group of heterosexual couples to double the amount of weekly intercourse sessions they normally would have. The findings surprisingly showed that partner did not report feeling happier. I have clinically found through clients’ reports in sex therapy treatment that if partners create more time and relaxation around a sex date they are more likely to feel more intimate. Bringing more intention to their sexual and emotional connection and staying embodied is more likely to be increase pleasure on all body/mind/spirit levels.

Communication and Sex Within the LGBTQ+ Community

There  are many assumptions in the aforementioned March 2017 study published by Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin  to the finding of sex as a reinforcer for a happy relationship between a committed couple: one needs to examine the meaning of  the terms: “committed,” “happiness,” and “couple.” Largely, these terms belong to the world of consensually monogamous, sexually exclusive, heterosexual relationships. One needs to keep in mind that the sixty couples who were subjects were most likely to be married, heterosexual couples, and not representative of some parts of the population who don’t identify with one or all of these variables.

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As a sex therapist who works with many types of couples, including LGBTQ+, consensually non-monogamous, kink-identified, in addition to sexually-exclusive heterosexual couples, I have found that the bonding or glue comes when there are two (or more) partners fully present in a sexual experience. When one partner is not fully present or is going through the motions, the experience of bonding may not be mutually enhancing.

When one partner is continually giving pleasure to another partner, they may not experience feeling as bonded. In addition, if one partner  feels it is their duty or responsibility to have penetrative sex, it may actually alienate that partner from their own embodied pleasure. This is why I give many mindfulness-based exercises to clients so that they can check in with themselves to see whether they are turning themselves off, avoiding feeling excited or feeling distracted from the sensations and experience. These sexual encounters  don’t always result in happier or more bonded couples.

The queer community might have higher rates of orgasm

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A 2017 study from Archives of Sexual Behavior published by the NIH found that in heterosexual relationships, heterosexual men were most likely to say they usually-always orgasmed when sexually intimate (95%), while the women they were sleeping with reported the lowest likelihood, at 66%. The queer community had the higher reporting of orgasm, on average: gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), and bisexual women (66%).

In the clinical setting, LGBTQ+ clients tend to have a wider menu of sexual activities than heterosexually-identified clients. While it is not a requirement that all partners need to orgasm every time they have a sexual encounter, it is important that partners check in with one another on whether they’re satiated.  It is part of my Sex Esteem®️ model as a sex therapist and coach to help clients expand their sexual menu to include many erotic and sexual experiences. Orgasms are an important menu item for all genders.

Another step in the Sex Esteem®️ model allows for each partner to communicate the array of options they would be open to explore with a partner, whether they are a longtime sexually exclusive partner, a longtime consensually non-monogamous partner, or a person they are dating or hooking up with.

For those seeking to make a New Year’s resolution for a current romantic relationship, be aware that the resolution to “have more sex” is riddled with preconceptions about happiness, sex, orientation, relationship status and identity. It would do one well to do a deep dive into how you feel about each of these topics’ meanings for yourself personally before diving under the covers with one’s longtime bae or a new partner. This type of inquiry and practice would be what I call a New Year’s Sexolution and would boost your Sex Esteem®️ intelligence.

11 Facts You May Not Know About Stonewall: Celebrating Stonewall 50

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Much like women’s history, much of LGBTQ+ history has simply not been well-documented. This month we celebrate Stonewall 50, the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots.  I thought it would be a great time to revisit some important facts about Stonewall – and what you may not know.

  1. The Stonewall Riot  wasn’t just one night.

Though documented historical accounts of the riots agree that the violent police raid of the Stonewall Inn broke out in the early morning hours of June 28th, 1969, the riots gained momentum, with the crowd growing into the thousands, drawing out the battle on and off across five more nights.

  1. The crowd wasn’t limited to just gays and lesbians.
Marsha P. Johnson one of the instrumental activists of the Stonewall Riots

While the Stonewall Riots are largely regarded as the start to the gay rights movement, Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, who were instrumental catalysts in the uprising, were actually transgender women of color. Though there are many accounts of how the Stonewall Riots began, Johnson and Rivera were the first protesters to physically resist the police raid – in fact, Johnson is said to have thrown the first brick.

  1. Sex workers’ rights were also born out of Stonewall.

Though the issue of sex workers’ rights is still a relatively modern debate, sex work was actually a survival tactic for many civil rights activists at the time. A vast number of LGBTQ+ youth were living on the streets of Greenwich Village after being kicked out of their homes, and the majority of them, including Johnson and Rivera, turned to sex work in order to survive.

  1. The riots had nothing to do with the death of Judy Garland.

  A long-standing myth that the Stonewall Riots were sparked by the death (and funeral on Madison Avenue and 83rd Street) of Judy Garland has been debunked by many in the community, including Thomas Lanigan-Schmidt, a reliable witness and protester who was in attendance for each of the six nights. While it is somewhat understandable that the death of an unmistakable gay icon like Judy Garland may have provoked enough outcry to bring about the violent riots, Stonewall was more so centered around trying to survive as an LGBTQ+ community in a contentious environment like New York City. 

  1. After 47 years, the Stonewall Inn and the LGBTQ+ community received its first national monument.

On June 24th, 2016, the first national monument in honor of the United States LGBTQ+ community was opened in Greenwich Village. President Barack Obama designated 7.7 acres along Christopher Street as an LGBTQ+ historic site, encompassing the Stonewall Inn, and the block bordering the Christopher Street Park, including the Park itself, where the 1992 Gay Liberation statue stands, consisting of four figures – two men and two women – positioned in natural, easy poses.

  1. At the time of the riots, homosexuality was actually illegal.

Though LGBTQ+ equality remains a human rights issue to this day, it wasn’t long ago that homosexual sex was considered illegal, punishable by law, in a majority of states. It was also classified as a mental disorder by the American Psychiatric Association, found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders up until 1973. Some states are behind on legislation, even now – 13 states in the U.S., as of 2014, still have anal penetration listed as an illegal act of sodomy: Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Oklahoma.  On June 26th, 2003, the Supreme Court found the Texas Homosexual Conduct Law unconstitutional and established, for the first time, that LGBTQ+ citizens had just as many rights as heterosexual citizens. While the landmark Supreme Court case of Lawrence v. Texas ruled these laws unconstitutional, therefore rendering them impossible to be enforced, the aforementioned states still have not repealed their anti-sodomy laws.

  1. The Stonewall Inn was originally owned by the Mafia.

Given the hostility surrounding the gay community at the time, many popular gay bars and other establishments had their licenses suspended or revoked for “indecent conduct.” The New York Mafia saw a business opportunity in owning and operating establishments catering to the gay community. The Stonewall Inn was considered a sanctuary to many gays, lesbians, and transgender individuals in the community, and if individuals weren’t recognized or assumed to be gay through the peephole on the door, they would not be let in.

  1. Most community members in the crowds during the Stonewall Riots are no longer alive.

Thomas Lanigan-Schmidt, now 71 years old, is among the very few still alive who participated in the riots. He explains that many of these rioters were gay or transgender youth living brutal lives on the streets, and if they did make it through the brutality of surviving in such marginalized conditions, they faced the AIDS crisis barely a decade later.

9. The Stonewall Inn had only one exit – the front door.

The Stonewall Inn, NYC

Since the Stonewall Inn was owned and operated by the Mafia, care was not taken to ensure health and fire codes. Before backup law enforcement arrived, rioters barricaded the police and other patrons in the bar as shouts turned into physical fights, including the throwing of bricks and other heavy objects at police officers.

10. The first gay pride march was a solemn, politically-driven demonstration in honor of the first anniversary of the Stonewall Riots.

Gay Pride March NYC

While this year’s Pride 50 NYC  Parade will be celebrated as a festive, rainbow-strewn party, it started out as a simple commemoration of the brutality of the Stonewall Riots. Originally called Christopher Street Liberation Day, June 28th, 1970 marked the first celebration of LGBTQ+ pride, which now celebrates equality, dignity, community, visibility, and joyous emancipation.

11. Homosexuality was considered a mental illness by the American Psychoanalytic Association.

The APA considered homosexuality as “phobia,” “sexual deviation,” “sociopathic personalitydisturbance,” and “neurosis.” Transgender folks were simply regarded as another version of patients who needed to be cured of their homosexuality.   This led to the diagnosis of homosexuality to be included as a “sexual deviation” in the 1968 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual.  After Stonewall, activists disrupted the 1970 conference of the American Psychiatric Association demanding they de-pathologize homosexuality by removing it from the DSM. It wasn’t until this week on June 20th, 2019 that the President of American Psychoanalytic Association (APsaA) made a formal apology for the many years of conversion therapy clinicians used to practice. At the annual conference,  Lee Jaffe M.D. stated: “Regrettably, much of our past understanding of homosexuality as an illness can be attributed to the American psychoanalytic establishment. While our efforts in advocating for sexual and gender diversity since are worthy of pride, it is long past time to recognize and apologize for our role in the discrimination and trauma caused by our profession and say ‘we are sorry.’”

 There’s now a new children’s book, for 5 to 8 year olds, titled: Stonewall: A Building. An Uprising. A Revolution by Rob Sanders, illustrated by Jamey Christoph.

For more information on Stonewall, check out these first-person narratives about the Stonewall riots, as well as poetry and creative art that came out of the oppression.