This month I want to discuss how partners can talk to one another about what their true sexual desires are when it breaks the code promoted in the popular culture of true love? In our popular American movies, novels, magazines and television shows the individuals who are in love are portrayed declaring to one another: “You are the most beautiful and most important person in the world to me”.  And while there may be chemistry and sexual connection early on in a relationship, the chemicals that are pulsing through one’s body during the first 18 months to 2 years of a relationship begin to decrease as the relationship enters the phase of building a life together.  So the question is what happens to the erotic and sexual desires that may either not have been discussed, experimented with, or developed over the next years of the relationship?

In the new upcoming play “The Goddess” produced by The Looking Glass Theater the playwrights explore the non-monogamous relationship of a married couple and how they navigate the rules, issues, and boundary crossings that ensue along the way.    I have been asked to lead several talk backs after the performances on October 17^th  @ 7:30 pm, October 27^{th @} 3 PM and October 31^st Halloween evening performance.  To receive a discount on the tickets, use the code Cooper when you buy your tickets.  Please come and bring your friends to learn how one couple redesigned their marriage and discuss the issues and questions you have about the alternative choices they made.

Showtime’s new series Masters of Sex about the world renowned sex researchers Bill Masters and Virginia Johnson, Virginia Johnson states in the first episode: “Women often think that sex and love are the same thing, but they don’t have to be, they don’t even have to go together”.  And while this was a revolutionary idea during this period of the late 1950s in the white middle class culture of the time, there are still many who share these beliefs in our country today.  So much so that the discussion of one’s erotic tastes and interests may never come up when a heterosexual couple date and decide to marry.   After the initial stage of limerance (that period of the first 2 years) has quieted down, the influx of obsessive thoughts, anxiety over the loss of that special person, higher desire for that person gradually fades to the background.  In other words, the feeling of being “head over heels in love”.

What then comes to the foreground is the thought that we know everything there is to know about our partner.  Included in this perceived knowledge is the sensitivities, old wounds, and non-verbalized boundaries around what can or cannot be expressed.  So if one person has always wanted to try anal sex, or handcuffs or include a third person in the sexual relationship, he or she usually feels like the opening for that conversation is no longer available to them.

How can one say to one’s life partner that while you love them deeply you still want to explore sexuality with others?  That is a hard conversation to have especially if you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship way back when?  The partner might feel devastated personally, feeling they are no longer attractive to their partner, they are no longer cherished as a special one.   In our mainstream culture we are led to believe that to be in love with someone, one has to forsake all others and that you would want to forsake all others.  This is inherent in most marriage vows.  While there might be the understanding that your partner will be attracted to other people, the choice one makes each time one doesn’t pursue that attraction into action is a show of love, respect and fidelity.  I agree that this is the way one remain faithful to one’s spouse and it is a choice one practices each and every day.

Although I believe commitment to monogamy should be a daily practice I don’t see it as a gag order not to discuss what sexual innovations or improvements partners want out of their relationship.  Why?  Because we are human beings who change each day, grow as we go through different experiences and hopefully understand ourselves and the world better as we learn and grow through those experiences.  While that may mean that each day you each choose to remain sexually monogamous, or have a similar sexual routine, or have sex the same day(s) of the week, it may also mean that you have to discuss these choices a few times a year or once a year to see if it still holds true for your partner.  These are not easy conversations to have because partners’ don’t want to feel rejected or hurt nor do they want to tell their partner they aren’t satisfied sexually.

As a sex therapist I coach couples on a daily basis who are bravely forging ahead to carve out new understandings around their individual and joint sexuality with their partners.

I recently went to a celebration honoring Erica Jong, the author of Fear of Flying, a book that broke barriers in 1973 because it unveiled the raw, uncensored sexual thoughts, desires and actions of a white, educated married woman.  It became a sensation because before this time white educated women were seen to have little desire or education around their own sexuality and were viewed as objects for men to lust after not as adventurers who wanted to pursue what they found erotic or sexy.

Erica Jong created a novel whose ideas appealed to the masses in the same way Masters and Johnson’s research had done for the field of science and sex therapy.  The prevailing term “zipless fuck” represented the sexual encounter about which the main character Isabel Wing continually fantasizes.  The “zipless fuck” is an encounter with a sexual partner that is solely focused on lust and chemistry.  One will know very little details about the partner because the focus will be about the sexual connection.  Similar to the modern hook-up, the “zipless fuck” was a novelty when it was introduced and continues to be a lightning rod for writers exploring what women want sexually in a post-feminist society.  Many individual clients of mine many years just having hook-ups that when they meet someone with whom they want to develop a more emotionally connected relationship, don’t have the communication and sometimes sexual skill to establish it.

So are these just fantasies that coupled individuals have in their imaginations but when faced with the opportunity to try the act doesn’t live up to expectations, similar to what occurs in Fear of Flying?  Or can a couple negotiate new boundaries around sex and love that include other people in their bedroom or outside of the home with a don’t ask/don’t tell policy?  What if one of the partners falls in love with an outside partner while just playing?  Can people be so disciplined that they don’t develop feelings for another person which might threaten the stability of a marriage, a home with children, or a partnered couple?  That is what some of my clients discuss when they process the idea of going out of the relationship with consent from one another.  What about bringing other lovers that become part of the loving family as some people do with Polyamory?  In another Showtime series Polyamory: Married & Dating,  we see different couples and groups navigate the complex feelings and boundaries that need to be discussed if one is going to bring other lovers into established relationships.

Most people do not have the confidence and communication skills to express their changed desires effectively to their partners, whether it’s to add to the repetoire of sexual activities with one another or to invite others to play with them.  Some of the clients I work with instead stepped out on their fidelity agreement hoping that they could have their needs satisfied outside the home without upsetting their own and their partnership’s applecart of complex feelings by renegotiating their contract.  We have certainly seen many examples of infidelity over the years with politicians, celebrities and actors that wreak havoc on their partners, children, constituents, and business partners.

After working with couples and individuals for over 20 years at various points in their relationships (dating, pre-marital, trying to get pregnant, with small children, and retirement) my belief is that no one in a love relationship gets away with hiding their fantasies, thoughts, desires and unrest forever.  At some point the truths are revealed and I encourage people to share them in a safe, respectful way so that wives, husbands, partners and children are not faced with the heartbreaking debris upon discovering a betrayal.  This choosing and contracting is not for the faint of heart, it requires courage and love to stay in the conversation.  I also don’t believe that open relationships or polyamory relationships are the right way to go by any means.  What I want to emphasize is the importance of keeping the practice of discussing one’s desires a regular event.  That the conscious choosing of the boundaries is a regular practice that occurs without malice, criticism or disdain but one that may be painful but also incredibly healing.

Hope you can make it to see  “The Goddess” produced by The Looking Glass Theater on the days of my talkback to continue the conversation.

How to Deal with Critical Mothers, Demanding Daughters and the Super-Mom Myth

If you’re a daughter and a mother to a daughter you sometimes feel you’re getting the same messages in stereo from both sides of the generational divide. These messages can sometimes be the most cutting, hurtful and critical messages which can leave moms feeling depressed, lonely, underappreciated and exhausted.

This Mother’s Day I want to send a shout out to all those moms who are working so hard to raise daughters to be self-confident, ethical, technologically and street-wise while providing their own mothers with the emotional, psychological, physical and financial support as they get on in years. The percentage of mothers working full-time is now up to 74% and 66% work either full-time or part-time. Many women feel like they need to be perfect in all areas of their life. Since this is an impossible task they constantly left feeling less than. Unfortunately, there is still the pervading myth that moms need to still provide a home-cooked meal each night, arrange play dates for their youngsters, check up on their child’s Instagram and Facebook statuses and then plan all the thousands of details that go into running a household week-in and week-out to be considered a “good mother”.

So many mothers end up feeling guilty if they aren’t doing what their stay-at-home mother did for them when they were growing up with their own children while they’re holding down a full-time job. In my office each week I hear from mothers and wives who feel like failures if they can’t cook up a Betty Crocker-style birthday party with a homemade birthday cake and creative gifts to hand out to the children in their loot bags as they walk out. Trying to live up to the Mom Myth of being the “super-mom” who does everything perfectly causes moms to feel more depressed than those women who reject that notion.

Now if you’re one of those moms who happens to be trying your best to balance work outside the home, home-making, parenting and marriage, you know the challenges you face in terms of trying to find time to check off all the items on your list. Most women feel more anxious about trying to push ahead at work or feel worried to “lean in” at their job outside the home as Sheryl Sandberg discussed in her most recent book, for fear of it requiring more time away from their families. I hear working mothers discuss how fatigued and stressed they feel because they’re trying to give to everyone else but leave very little time to re-nourish their bodies and spirits. They talk about how their libido has left them and they feel badly for their spouses who are more interested in sex than they are.

Many of these same women discuss how guilty they feel when they listen to their own mothers who may give advice on how to run a more elegant, efficient or frugal household. When visiting their mom, one of my clients might hear that her children are acting out of control and then be given tips on how she
should really discipline them more effectively. What these moms and you might be experiencing are feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism that may at times overwhelm you. Since most mothers of past generations did not have to balance a job, a household, e-mail, texting and technology policing responsibilities themselves, they are not attuned to the overwhelming informational overload of today’s mom.

Then, on the other side of the generational bridge today’s mom may be berated, wined at or ignored by a tween or teen daughter who is not satisfied with her clothes, or the meal that her mom cooked while her daughter sits on the couch texting or posting on Instagram or Snapchat with her friends and rolling her eyes if her mother attempts to ask a question about how her life is doing or ask her to help out with the household chores. Yes, some of these exchanges are as old as time itself when girls become teens but I do feel the technology provides more fuel to the fire and frankly, cell phones are this generation of teen’s new drug of choice in my opinion. Even if your daughter hasn’t hit her tweens or teens yet, there are a myriad of online games that need to be monitored so that private information is not given in error. So the new job title for a parent is that of techonology cop! And yes, one needs to keep up with learning and monitoring every new app that comes up in order to educate your daughter on the consequences of sending a text or posting an image while perhaps learning how to follow their movements through new monitoring apps.

Moms in the middle have my utmost empathy because they were sold a bill of goods fantasizing that their moms and daughters would understand them better than their spouses or sons would, due to the simple fact of having the same gender. Even mothers in that stage of early childhood when your daughter runs up to you as you walk in the door of her daycare or nursery program with a huge hug and kiss, the manual chores required can be physically fatiguing. Moms give, they plan, they remind, they cajole, they comfort and they empathize. What most moms are not good at though is asking for help because they think others will see it as a chink in their perfect mom armor. They have difficulty demanding that their spouse contribute an equal 50% to the household chores. They also feel like they could not possibly let their mothers know how demanding their day-to-day lives truly are for fear of appearing like a failure.

What I’d like to say to you moms out there is that this is really a new age and the old parent manuals do not always apply. So for this Mother’s Day I encourage you as I do to my own clients to:

• get over believing in the Mom Myth, you’re not perfect (nor is anyone else) and you’re on the frontier of re-defining what a good mom is on your own terms.

• make a list of all the homemaking jobs you do (including planning, calling for doctor’s appointments, calling or e-mailing for playdates), have your partner or spouse do the same and sit down to divide up the chores in a more equitable way.

• Make one on one dates with each of your children doing something simple like a walk in the park, watching a movie or playing a game so you and they feel like they can reconnect.

• Have a few talks with your mother to explain all the hats you are wearing and let her know in direct actionable behaviors how she could be most helpful while letting her know that giving advice when it’s not asked for can be experienced as critical. Let her know that you are carving out new territory as a 21st century parent.

• create a weekly time that’s just about your own nourishment, whether it’s having coffee with a girlfriend, going to a yoga class or reading a book.

• make a date time with your spouse/partner to keep your libido engaged.

Happy Mother’s Day to you. Please share this with your friends and let them know they can receive my monthly blogs if they ask to be put on my mailing list. Please like my Facebook page and/or follow my Twitter account @asksaricooper.

If you’re a daughter and a mother to a daughter you sometimes feel you’re getting the same messages in stereo from both sides of the generational divide.  These messages can sometimes be the most cutting, hurtful and critical messages which can leave moms feeling depressed, lonely, under-appreciated and exhausted.

This Mother’s Day I want to send a shout out to all those moms who are working so hard to raise daughters to be self-confident, ethical, technologically and street-wise while providing their own mothers with the emotional, psychological, physical and financial support as they get on in years.  The percentage of mothers working full-time is now up to 74% and 66% work either full-time or part-time.  Many women feel like they need to be perfect in all areas of their life. Since this is an impossible task they constantly left feeling less than. Unfortunately, there is still the pervading myth that moms need to still provide a home-cooked meal each night, arrange play dates for their youngsters, check up on their child’s Instagram and Facebook statuses and then plan all the thousands of details that go into running a household week-in and week-out to be considered a “good mother”.

So many mothers end up feeling guilty if they are not doing what their stay-at-home mother did for them when they were growing up with their own children while they’re holding down a full-time job. In my office each week I hear from mothers and wives who feel like failures if they can’t cook up a Betty Crocker-style birthday party with a homemade birthday cake and creative gifts to hand out to the children in their loot bags as they walk out.  Trying to live up to the Mom Myth of being the “super-mom” who does everything perfectly causes moms to feel more depressed than those women who reject that notion.

Now if you’re one of those moms who happens to be trying your best to balance work outside the home, home-making, parenting and marriage, you know the challenges you face in terms of trying to find time to check off all the items on your list.  Most women feel more anxious about trying to push ahead at work or feel worried to “lean in” at their job outside the home as Sheryl Sandberg discussed in her most recent book, for fear of it requiring more time away from their families.  I hear working mothers discuss how fatigued and stressed they feel because they’re trying to give to everyone else but leave very little time to re-nourish their bodies and spirits. They talk about how their libido has left them and they feel badly for their spouses who are more interested in sex than they are.

 Many of these same women discuss how guilty they feel when they listen to their own mothers who may give advice on how to run a more elegant, efficient or frugal household. When visiting their mom, one of my clients might hear that her children are acting out of control and then be given tips on how she should really discipline them more effectively. What these moms and you might be experiencing are  feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism that may at times overwhelm you.   Since most mothers of past generations did not have to balance a job, a household, e-mail, texting and technology policing responsibilities themselves, they are not attuned to the overwhelming informational overload of today’s mom.

Then, on the other side of the generational bridge today’s mom may be berated, wined at or ignored by a tween or teen daughter who is not satisfied with her clothes, or the meal that her mom cooked while her daughter sits on the couch texting or posting on Instagram or Snapchat with her friends and rolling her eyes if her mother attempts to ask a question about how her life is doing or ask her to help out with the household chores.  Yes, some of these exchanges are as old as time itself when girls become teens but I do feel the technology provides more fuel to the fire and frankly, cell phones are this generation of teen’s new drug of choice in my opinion.

Even if your daughter hasn’t hit her tweens or teens yet, there are a myriad of online games that need to be monitored so that private information is not given in error.  So the new job title for a parent is that of techonology cop! And yes, one needs to keep up with learning and monitoring every new app that comes up in order to educate your daughter on the consequences of sending a text or posting an image while perhaps learning how to follow their movements through new monitoring apps.

Moms in the middle have my utmost empathy because they were sold a bill of goods fantasizing that their moms and daughters would understand them better than their spouses or sons would, due to the simple fact of having the same gender.  Even mothers in that stage of early childhood when your daughter runs up to you as you walk in the door of her daycare or nursery program with a huge hug and kiss, the manual chores required can be physically fatiguing.  Moms give, they plan, they remind, they cajole, they comfort and they empathize.  What most moms are not good at though is asking for help because they think others will see it as a chink in their perfect mom armor.  They have difficulty demanding that their spouse contribute an equal 50% to the household chores.  They also feel like they could not possibly let their mothers know how demanding their day-to-day lives truly are for fear of appearing like a failure.

What I’d like to say to you moms out there is that this is really a new age and the old parent manuals do not always apply. So for this Mother’s Day I encourage you as I do to my own clients to:

·         get over believing in the Mom Myth, you’re not perfect (nor is anyone else) and you’re on the frontier of re-defining what a good mom is on your own terms.

·         make a list of all the homemaking jobs you do (including planning, calling for doctor’s appointments, calling or e-mailing for playdates), have your partner or spouse do the same and sit down to divide up the chores in a more equitable way.

·         Make one on one dates with each of your children doing something simple like a walk in the park, watching a movie or playing a game so you and they feel like they can reconnect.

·         Have a few talks with your mother to explain all the hats you are wearing and let her know in direct actionable behaviors how she could be most helpful while letting her know that giving advice when it’s not asked for can be experienced as critical.  Let her know that you are carving out new territory as a 21^st century parent.

·         create a weekly time that’s just about your own nourishment, whether it’s having coffee with a girlfriend, going to a yoga class or reading a book.

·         make a date time with your spouse/partner to keep your libido engaged.

Happy Mother’s Day to you.  Please share this with your friends and let them know they can receive my monthly blogs if they ask to be put on my mailing list.  Please like my Facebook page and/or follow my Twitter account @asksaricooper.

Five tips for sexual rejuvenation with your partner

What do most Americans think of on Valentine’s Day? Is it the chocolates, or dinner out, is it an expensive gift like jewelry, or a cute pair of cufflinks? In fact, Americans will shell out an average of $130.97 on candy, cards, flowers, etc. according to the National Retail Federation (link is external).

How about a new way of celebrating Valentine’s Day this year? Instead of thinking about what to buy your lover/spouse, why not think of a new experience to share? Stepping out of the box of familiar dates, stereotypical conversation, and well-worn sexual routines allow people to experience themselves and their partners in a whole new way. I invite you to make a list of 3 things you have never done before and would be open to trying and ask your spouse or partner to do the same thing. It should be an activity that raises the stakes in the erotic department and may even make you a bit nervous? Why?

Because it’s only through pushing against the envelope of what you already know that you can transform yourself and your relationship. The combination of RISK + CREATIVITY (link is external) brings out innovation and renewal in oneself, one’s relationships and one’s work. Think about the actor on a Broadway stage who performs 8 shows a week for years. That actor works on discovering some new emotional or physical nuance to their character to try out each performance, which is why the performance sparkles. In other words, they’re not dialing it in.

The things most long-term monogamous couples complain of when they come into my office for sex therapy include a weary boredom, frustration with a lackluster sex life and low libido. What I find though is that people think they know their partner inside and out and have gotten lethargic about making attempts to discover something new about them.

Couples tend to stick to the tried and true (both in and out of the bedroom) out of a desire to create a nest for children, reinforce the security of the relationship or a lack of self-esteem to go out on a limb and try something new. Stephen Mitchell wrote that our need for security and constancy can overtake our willingness to keep getting to know new aspects about our partner in his book “Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time” . It is only through trying something new that one can explore the creative side of their brains. Hence the name Sex Esteem™, which I’ve coined to express a combination of self-confidence and curiosity people need to increase the erotic quality in a sexual relationship.

So if you really want to transform the erotic and romantic quality of your relationship, try these ideas or create your own:

 Find a burlesque club in your city and go see a performance that’s a combination of erotic dance and performance art. Talk to one another about which acts raise your erotic temperature.

So if you really want to transform the erotic and romantic quality of your relationship, try these ideas or create your own:

 Find a burlesque club in your city (link is external) and go see a performance that’s a combination of erotic dance and performance art. Talk to one another about which acts raise your erotic temperature.

– Check out the Erotic Salon for free erotica, sign up for the monthly newsletter or plan for a night away in Philadelphia and attend one of their live events.

– Order in dinner and explore the erotic stories of Adultfanfiction.net, a world of collected erotic stories based on popular characters in books, television or films.

– Stop by a local sex toy shop (in New York we have Eve’s Garden, Babeland and Shag) pick up a DVD with sexual moves or situations you have never tried before to stimulate your curiosity muscles. This is not a commitment to doing them but just an opening to explore what you and your lover find titillating. Pick up some innovative toys to add to your Valentine’s Day celebration.

– Listen to some storytelling about love, sex and seduction at a Moth event this week. The Moth is a performance series featuring people telling real stories of their lives that range from the frisky, nostalgic to the outright raunchy. They have performance series running in 12 cities throughout the U.S.

Decoding the Latest Scandal and What It Teaches You about Spouses who Cheat

Since the discovery of David Petraeus’ affair with Paula Broadwell, I keep reading and hearing that “it’s beyond shocking” (link is external) that the now former head of the CIA would have betrayed his wife since he was a gentleman and a consummate family man. People talk about his high standards of discipline, intelligence and leadership and are in awe that a man who was presented as so upstanding could be unfaithful to his wife.

There are a few questions this story presents. One is whether he was unfaithful to the country and whether a private situation like infidelity warrants this much public attention. There was some speculation that he could have compromised sensitive private documents. There is also little known law called the Uniform Code of Military Justice (link is external) that he broke which states that it is illegal and punishable by court martial and/or revocation of one’s pension if a service person has an affair while in service. Although this law is not enforced very frequently it illustrates that military personal are held to a higher standard than non-military folks.

There are also the speculations that he quit his post as head of CIA because he was avoiding having to testify in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee on the Bengahzi attacks thus avoiding the embarrassment and shame of discovery that Petraeus could have prevented the lives lost there.

But I don’t think this is why he quit and I don’t think this is why it’s getting so much attention. I think there may be other personal secrets that he wants to prevent the public from knowing because it would hurt his family further. For example, this may not be the first time he’s had an affair but in fact, the first time it was discovered. There are those spouses in the military (link is external) who believe that their partners are more at risk for affairs due to the many months spent away from home, the stresses of the military and the alcohol abuse which is more prevalent in the military. Perhaps he had been able to keep previous affairs private or perhaps he had a non-monogamy agreement with his wife about which the public will never know.

In addition, for a man like Petraeus who is an expert at keeping highly sensitive information secret, the exposure of the affair may have been just as, if not more embarrassing to him as the fact that he had been cheating. How good could he be with secrets if his own were leaked because of his lover’s jealousy. Does it show him as a man who could not maintain control? I think he quit because he is a perfectionist who could not respect himself for the exposure of a common weakness. The revelation has robbed him of the respect and honor he feels should be expressed by the CIA Director in every area of his life.

However, I think the media frenzy going on has a lot to do with the Greek tragedy-type narrative that features taboo sex, a powerful person brought down by his own flaw. That’s all. Americans love the soap opera story line of affairs, and the schaudenfreude feeling of enjoyment watching someone else’s train wreck, not theirs.

The tragic hero in this latest version (like John Edwards and Bill Clinton before him) is a successful general who had reached the pinnacle of success in his field yet was tempted by a woman with whom he was in close contact. As in those other stories the “other” woman was attractive and ostensibly lavished much praise and adoration on Petraeus which can be a huge erotic trigger for many men. It’s not that this affair was so shocking but that in fact so expected. The twist in this story is that his lover was also married and highlights the point that it is not just men who have affairs although that is more of what we hear about in the media.

That is not to say I condone breaking a contract of monogamy. I just think it’s unrealistic to hold some men or women to a higher standard of fidelity than the rest of us. In fact, this rendition of infidelity should be presented differently in the media. It should be another warning that each person who agrees to a monogamous relationship needs to be more conscious of the situations in which they put themselves. The affair also brings to light the question of sexuality in long term marriages and whether partners begin to take one another for granted or avoid sexual contact for long periods of time without an agreement. However, Americans have a very difficult time discussing their sexual needs or accepting sexual differences so the subject of sex very often becomes the white elephant in the room.

In this case, when Petraeus was spending so much one on one time with a woman to whom he was sexually attracted he should have been more honest with himself that he was in hot water. This was his first warning sign to keep a formal physical distance. When he then discovered that he and Paula Broadwell had so much in common and that she showed such acute interest in his life it must have made him feel rejuvenated and more virile. At this point he would have become more aware of his body’s signals, his imagination’s erotic fantasies. If he had been more conscious of these warning signs he would have had to realize that he’s human just like everyone else and made every effort to call off the agreement to be interviewed by her for the biography. Unfortunately, he ignored these signs and perhaps believed his own press. He believed he was Superman Gentleman, the superhero who could resist his own sexual urges for a seemingly willing and eager lover. Or he had become entitled enough to think that he could have an affair and believed he was intelligent enough to keep it hidden.

The lessons of sexual discovery in this film are key for everyone’s sex esteem.

The new movie The Sessions tells the true story of poet Mark O’Brien who lost the use of his body’s muscles in childhood as a result of Polio. The movie is based on the essay “On Seeing a Sex Surrogate” which Mark wrote in 1990 about his experience of seeing a sex surrogate at the age of 36 to learn about sexuality with a partner for the first time in his life. Due to the requirement of spending all but a few hours a day in a contraption called an iron lung, Mark had been isolated from peers from the age of 6 through adolescence and robbed of the common experience young adults have of experimenting with sexual relationships thereby learning what they like and don’t like from different experiences. It’s not until his mid-twenties when he attended the University of Berkeley where he studied journalism that he even gets to develop his social skills.

The lessons learned from this film offers the audience a critical opportunity to contemplate the ways in which most people in American society are robbed of a positive accurate sexual education. I have seen non-disabled clients over the years who have felt the same fear, self-loathing and frustration about their own particular sexual desires as Mark did. Similar to Mark, these are people who were well-educated, intelligent, and successful in their livelihoods but had either been taught negative things about sexuality by parents, teachers and spiritual leaders or had been raised in a vacuum of no information at all. This led them to believe as Mark did, that their desires were perverted and/or sinful. He wrote: “The attitude I absorbed was not so much that polite people never thought about sex, but that no one did. I didn’t know anyone outside my family, so this code affected me strongly, convincing me that people should emulate the wholesome asexuality of Barbie and Ken, that we should behave as though we had no ‘down there’s’ down there.”

Many of my clients are filled with misconceptions, myths, and extreme shame about the erotic desires and physical arousal that are part of most people’s sexual response cycle. Whether they have been brought up in a religious faith that forbids any romantic contact before marriage like practicing Muslims, traditional Indians (or Indian-Americans), or Orthodox Jews, or clients who had families that made negative comments about sex as they were growing up, these clients all struggle to find a way to integrate their belief systems with their erotic desires and or behaviors.

It is my role as a therapist to ask the right questions to find out what a client’s goals are regarding their sex life and to determine what emotional, psychological and physical impediments need to be addressed and by whom. I am respectful of a client or a couple’s desire to adhere to their religious traditions while offering them basic information that will allow them to begin to decide for themselves what they want in their sexual life.

Mark struggled with his Catholic faith and his family upbringing as he contemplated seeing a sex surrogate writing: “What would my parents think? What would God think?” Mark O’Brien had fallen in love with people in his life (including a caretaker and a fellow student at University of Berkeley) but his feelings had not been reciprocated and he felt the opportunities to give and get sexual pleasure within a marriage seemed few as he couldn’t even get a date. He consulted with both his therapist, another therapist who specialized in sex therapy and a Catholic priest to help him come to the decision to work with a sex surrogate. All these counselors gave Mark their perspective and useful information without putting pressure on him one way or another.

What people can learn from this film is that the many people who grow up feeling ashamed of their sexual thoughts have few people to whom they can go to who are willing and able to tell them the facts as well as process the feelings that can go along with sex. Instead, misinformed lessons are learned through the romanticized Hollywood romantic-comedies in which the amount of time it takes for a woman to get thoroughly turned on is reduced to some short period of making out before the clothes are ripped off. The hot passionate scenes abound in American films in which safer sex is never discussed before sex, men never stop to put on a condom and women climax with delight without any foreplay and through intercourse alone.

And more recently, there is the modeling for teens and young men of partner-sex based solely on the viewing of porn which is a format created solely for erotic entertainment and fantasy. Porn has little realistic information to offer young men in terms of how mutual sexual relationships should be negotiated, the wide variety of women’s sexual desires and response cycle and the visual modeling of how partners can be both givers and receivers of pleasure. Porn does not illustrate the way in which feelings of love might be integrated into a sexual union. And porn, like the movies never exhibits a man losing his erection and the many reactions he might experience and receive from a partner in that situation.

After getting his priest’s blessing, Mark learns that his body can be a source of immense playful, sensual pleasure and that he can give pleasure to a woman through his sessions with Cheryl, a sexual surrogate whom he hires to teach him about sexuality. Through body awareness exercises he finds out what types of touch he enjoys, what tickles and which ones are annoying. He asks Cheryl in a direct way whether she enjoys having her ear licked and she answers no but that some women might and supports him in his asking. Verbal discussions and non-verbal total body touching are critical skills to develop as part of anyone’s sexual repertoire.

When he eventually learns how to have intercourse he finds out that all the sensual play beforehand and after intercourse can be part of a tremendously moving and sensual experience, and is an important part of a person’s life. Mark also comes to feel entitled to express that part of him. He writes: “Another lesson learned: sex is a part of ordinary living, not an activity reserved for gods, goddesses, and rock stars. I realized that it could become a part of my life if I fought against my self-hatred and pessimism.” Important lessons indeed.

One of the common questions couples ask me when they come in for sex therapy is:”Why can’t we have the same kind of sex during the year that we tend to have when we go away?”

It’s a great question and the within the answer lies many ingredients to a healthier, more satisfying sex life among monogamous couples.

Vacations are planned to give couples adventure, relaxation or a combination of both.  If they are family vacations, one of the purposes is have unstructured time with the kids away from the regular schedule of school, homework and after school classes.  I was recently interviewed for an article on this topic by fashionwire.com  Most long-term couples suffer from boredom, lack of time, and fatigue as they try to balance the stresses of work life, household responsibilities and their roles as parents if they have children.  Most parents are facing this task as their children go back to school this month.

Part of the excitement of a vacation is in the planning. One thinks about all the different elements one wants as part of their vacation experience.  Things like,  great beaches,  a historic castle or delicious cuisine can whet the vacationers’ appetite’s before even setting foot in an airport or in a car.  Sex is no different.  If one gave a bit more time to planning a sensual and sexual experience with the ingredients that stimulate one’s erotic triggers each partner could look forward with anticipation to the experience.  One partner could put together a playlist of sexy sultry music to put on before a date.  Another partner could tidy up the bedroom and lay a soft plush coverlet on the bed to bring about a tactile change to the experience.  Whether it’s what you bring in to eat,  massage oil to slather on your lover’s body, or a sexy piece of lingerie to where, all these details planned ahead add to the erotic experience.

Another element of  vacations is more time to rest.  According to the Center for Disease Control 30% of Americans are not getting the amount of sleep they need.  I would add that those folks who still have jobs are probably working longer hours since the recession began as companies have not been hiring new employees and they are making up for the slack of laid off colleagues.  When couples go on vacation they commonly take time to either sleep later in the morning and/or take naps during the day.  So how do you get more sleep when you return home?

Just as you would book a babysitter or ask a family member to watch your kids while you go out for a date.  You can ask whoever is caring for your children to take the kids out while you and your partner book a 3 hour time to sleep as well as perhaps have some intimate time without the worry that a little one will be knocking on your door,  barging in, or that an argument will occur while you’re in your bedroom.  This allows the bedroom to become a haven again of rest, peace and yes, sex.

Happy Fall, and remember to plan and take some ”nap dates” with your honey real soon.

Best Mother’s Day ever!

As a sex and couples’ therapist for the past 20 years, I frequently see couples who are looking to increase the frequency and/or quality of sex in their lives. I also lead groups for long-married women to teach them about Sex Esteem, the confidence and empowerment program I’ve created that can lead to increased desire in monogamous relationships. Perhaps the frequency of sex which these couples or women are having has gradually dwindled to once a month, or once every four months or perhaps it’s just that the once every week is not enough for them or their partners. They also complain about the quality of the sex which has become routine, robotic or frankly, boring. Many of these couples have children and are in the throes of active child rearing. I add the word active because this type of involved parenting sometimes viewed as “helicopter parenting” is much more emotionally and physically demanding in our generation than in previous generations.

Perhaps this active involvement in their children’s lives is due to a commitment to a‘re-do’ of their own childhood that may have lacked in emotional closeness or connection. Another reason may be due to the anxiety parents are currently feeling regarding their children’s eventual college applications and career opportunities in this unstable economy. Add to this mix the fact that more women are in the workplace than in previous generations so that both the parents’ work life and the children’s school/extra-curricular life become heavily scheduled during the week and on weekends. So who bears the burden of seeing to the many details of family life so that all these goals can be met? Some of the moms who I treat in therapy are working full-time or part-time jobs outside the home but are still responsible for more of the housework and more of the executive planning. While there have been many studies researching the housework gap between married couples, I haven’t been able to find a study that inquires about all the executive functioning that is utilized to: plan a birthday party, order invitations, remind the kids to send thank-you notes, make a shopping list for Easter, order new soccer shoes in time for the playoff game, call another parent to arrange for a carpool, etc. For the moms who are working full time as homemakers their job includes meeting with teachers and/or volunteering for the PTA in addition to the myriad of details, chores and responsibilities of home life.

The wives/mothers in the couples I see complain of a lack of desire, they guiltily admit to “putting sex on the back burner”, “the bottom of their list”, feeling like “it’s the last thing on their mind”. Many of their husbands wonder what happened to the hot sexy vibrant woman they were dating before marriage or kids came along. They themselves miss the freedom and fun they felt in their twenties. Due to the tremendous amount of testosterone that men produce naturally, their ability to switch channels from putting out the light in their kids’ bedrooms to feeling frisky and reaching out to grab their wife’s derriere as she does the dishes does not take much transition time. In addition, he usually is not thinking about the 10 family/life chores still on his wife’s mind to take care of before she gives herself permission to collapse into bed. Wives need a lot more time to switch hats from the role of dependable, patient mommy to insatiable, hot, horny lover.

So what do you think these moms want for Mother’s Day? They want a day or two off, thank you very much!! Most moms would feel too guilty to say this because “good moms” in their minds should want to be with their kids on Mother’s Day, right? They would want to be woken from their much needed sleep (when was the last time they slept in till 10?) to eat a high-calorie breakfast sitting in bed (while their inner goddess is dying to get to a yoga class), and spend the day going to the zoo (for the umpteenth time) while oohing and ahhing over the necklace she received from the kids. Of course moms want to show their appreciation for gifts and kind efforts however, what my clients do articulate to me is that they want to be taken AWAY from their homes, so they can get all those to-do lists out of their consciousness and focus on their own needs for a change.

The recent SNL Mother’s Day skit expressed what most moms secretly want. They really want to spend a night or two in a hotel or spa (knowing their kids are well-cared for at home) alone where they can catch up on their much-deprived sleep, take a long bubble bath, have someone massage their whole body with lavender oil (who’s not pressuring her for intercourse), eat a meal that is healthy, luscious and frankly far from “kid friendly” without interruption and get a pedicure. After a day or two of this, she then might be ready for someone to slowly and gradually flirt with her, tell her how sexy and irresistible she looks, light a bunch of candles, turn on an iPod with the sexy music playlist already created, and then have someone touch her sensitively and sensuously while being seduced and surprised emotionally and physically. Just like Christian Grey would do in Fifty Shades of Grey . If this someone could be her husband or her partner instead of a fantasy figure, she has gotten EXACTLY what she wanted and deserved for the BEST MOTHER’S DAY EVER! So moms, ask for what you really want, and dads, give her what she’s longing for. More help on this in the next blog.

With the recent buzz being created by EL James’ book Fifty Shades of Grey, I felt compelled to discuss the elements of the relationship described in the book as well as disband myths that have recently come up in the media regarding BDSM type relationships.  The definition of BDSM describes a relationship in which people take on a role of Dominant or a Submissive and may involve some type of restriction (Bondage) and the setting of rules by the Dom which if not followed properly by the Submissive he/she will be punished through some sort of  discipline.  People who participate in BDSM come from a variety of ethnicities, sexual orientations, ages and social classes

The Dom is in a position of power and authority and the Sub is in a position of helplessness and vulnerability in many capacities.  These relationships are consensual and the submissive has code words to let the Dom know if he/she has had enough.  Therefore, the myth that the Sub is actually being abused and in danger of being hurt is not true at all in a true D/S relationship because the Submissive has all the power to stop a ‘scene’ by using the code word.  The draw for people involved in the BDSM scene is multi-layered and varied but coincide with the desire to experience a non-Vanilla type of sensual, sexual erotic experience that occurs outside of the normal rational mind.  When Ana first experiences this type of experience she is surprised by her erotic response which is immediate and highly charged despite her intellectual mind telling her she shouldn’t be getting turned on.

Many people when they first hear about Bondage-Discipline and Sadomasochistic relationships think that there must be something pathologically wrong with the person(s) administering or receiving the pain, humiliation or restrictions which can be involved in this type of dynamic.  However, couples involved in this type of relationship only come in for therapy when there are issues outside their sexual relationship that need help, or because one of them is not adhering to the detailed contract which was set up at the beginning of their relationship.  Like the heroine Anastasia in Fifty Shades of Grey, she is asked to read over a list of activities to see which are hard limits (meaning activities she would never want to do under any circumstances) and soft limits (meaning activities that she might consider trying) and sign a contract.

People in this type of relationship describe it at times as an orientation the way other people might say they’re gay or Lesbian in that they need certain threats or actions of pain or restrictions to make them feel turned on erotically.  Many people do not want or give pain but rather another type of sensation that can cause the partners to get a type of “high” that other people might get finishing an Iron Man.  It can put people in a type of trance-like state that lifts them out of their ordinary experience.  For many people the actual act of intercourse or touching one another is not part of the experience and yet one or both partners are brought to orgasm through the anticipation, rule setting and/or restrictions put into place.  One of my clients who was involved in this type of relationship acted as a Dom and her male partner was not allowed to touch her in any way except perhaps to stroke her boots as she set up restrictions for him.

In the press recently, it has been suggested that the book is reflecting a change in society somehow and that because women have broken the ‘glass ceiling’ in their careers they are more likely longing for a place in which they can relinquish control.   I would argue that these types of relationships have been around a long time and that the gender of the Dom and sub has been inhabited by both sexes. The most famous example of a man taking on the masochist role might be in the novella Venus in Furs written by Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch in 1879 was based on his own experiences as a sub to his mistress Baroness Fanny Pistor. In this relationship he begged to be treated as a slave and that she wears fur while subjugating him.  The term Masochism was named for him by the Austrian psychiatrist Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing in 1886 due to Sacher-Mosoch’s writings on the subject.  A modern interpretation of this novel entitled Venus in Fur is being performed currently on Broadway in which the characters are introduced as an actress who is auditioning for a director for the play based on the original novella by Sacher- Masoch.

The subject of this book should not be viewed through a social-political lens since it lies in a realm that is purely psychological, emotional and sensual.  It is an adult form of playacting that many people would rather just keep in their fantasies.  Therefore, just because the book has become a hit in the suburbs, does not mean that all these female readers want to enact these roles.  Some may and some may not, but you have to open up the topic in order to find out.

As I say to male clients sitting in my consulting office, the fantasy of being so irresistible to a man that he cannot control his desire is the ultimate libido cocktail for most women.

That involves creative pursuing that builds anticipation psychological engagement.  There is in fact a multi-billion dollar industry of romance novels that are filled with bad boy heroes and desired heroines that succumb to the alpha-type hero.  Just as men watch their porn online, there are many women who go to websites in which laypeople share their erotica stories for others to read.  A portion of these stories contain stories of BDSM.  It is not weird, it is not pathological, it is a flavor of erotica, just as chocolate (and vanilla) are flavors of ice cream.

Turning up the heat in bedrooms and raising some eyebrows.

With the recent buzz being created by EL James’ book “Fifty Shades of Grey,” (link is external) I felt compelled to discuss the elements of the relationship described in the book as well as dispel myths that have recently come up in the media regarding BDSM type relationships. The definition of BDSM (link is external) describes a relationship in which people take on a role of Dominant or a Submissive and may involve some type of restriction (Bondage) and the setting of rules by the Dom which if not followed properly by the Submissive he/she will be punished through some sort of discipline. People who participate in BDSM come from a variety of ethnicities, sexual orientations, ages and social classes

The Dom is in a position of power and authority and the Sub is in a position of helplessness and vulnerability in many capacities. These relationships are consensual and the submissive has code words to let the Dom know if he/she has had enough. Therefore, the myth that the Sub is actually being abused and in danger of being hurt is not true at all in a true D/S relationship because the Submissive has all the power to stop a ‘scene’ by using the code word. The draw for people involved in the BDSM scene is multi-layered and varied but coincide with the desire to experience a non-Vanilla type of sensual, sexual erotic experience that occurs outside of the normal rational mind. When Ana first experiences this type of experience she is surprised by her erotic response which is immediate and highly charged despite her intellectual mind telling her she shouldn’t be getting turned on.

Many people when they first hear about Bondage-Discipline and Sadomasochistic relationships think that there must be something pathologically wrong with the person(s) administering or receiving the pain, humiliation or restrictions which can be involved in this type of dynamic. However, couples involved in this type of relationship only come in for therapy when there are issues outside their sexual relationship that need help, or because one of them is not adhering to the detailed contract which was set up at the beginning of their relationship. Like the heroine Anastasia in Fifty Shades of Grey, she is asked to read over a list of activities to see which are hard limits (meaning activities she would never want to do under any circumstances) and soft limits (meaning activities that she might consider trying) and sign a contract.

People in this type of relationship describe it at times as an orientation the way other people might say they’re gay or Lesbian in that they need certain threats or actions of pain or restrictions to make them feel turned on erotically. Many people do not want or give pain but rather another type of sensation that can cause the partners to get a type of “high” that other people might get finishing an Iron Man. It can put people in a type of trance-like state that lifts them out of their ordinary experience. For many people the actual act of intercourse or touching one another is not part of the experience and yet one or both partners are brought to orgasm through the anticipation, rule setting and/or restrictions put into place. One of my clients who was involved in this type of relationship acted as a Dom and her male partner was not allowed to touch her in any way except perhaps to stroke her boots as she set up restrictions for him.

In the press recently, it has been suggested that the book is reflecting a change in society somehow and that because women have broken the ‘glass ceiling’ in their careers they are more likely longing for a place in which they can relinquish control. I would argue that these types of relationships have been around a long time and that the gender of the Dom and sub has been inhabited by both sexes. The most famous example of a man taking on the masochist role might be in the novella Venus in Furs (link is external) written by Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch in 1879 was based on his own experiences as a sub to his mistress Baroness Fanny Pistor. In this relationship he begged to be treated as a slave and that she wears fur while subjugating him. The term Masochism was named for him by the Austrian psychiatrist Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing (link is external) in 1886 due to Sacher-Mosoch’s writings on the subject. A modern interpretation of this novel entitled Venus in Fur (link is external) by David Ives is being performed currently on Broadway in fact which illustrates the longevity of the erotic power the D/S dynamic.

The subject of this book should not be viewed through a socio-political lens since it lies in a realm that is beyond in a psychological, emotional and sensual world. It is an adult form of play that many people would rather just keep in their fantasies. Therefore, just because the book has become a hit in the suburbs (link is external), does not mean that all these female readers want to enact these roles. Some may and some may not, but you have to open up the topic with yourself and your partner in order to find out what you might want to try.

As I say to male clients sitting in my consulting office, the fantasy of being so irresistible to a man that he cannot control his desire is the ultimate libido cocktail for most women. This involves creative pursuing by one partner in order to build anticipation and psychological engagement. There is in fact a multi-billion dollar industry of romance novels (link is external) that are filled with bad boy heroes and desired heroines that succumb to the alpha-type hero. Just as men watch their porn online, there are many women who go to websites in which laypeople share their erotica stories for others to read. A portion of these stories contain stories of BDSM. It is not weird, it is not pathological, it is a flavor of erotica, just as chocolate (and vanilla) are flavors of ice cream.